FUCK YOU. no one should be able to make me feel this way. NO one should be able to hurt me like that. i've stopped crying. for now. one of the rare times that i've cried in public. from newton circus to balmoral plaza. the funny part is, he didn't even do anything wrong. i put most of the ideas in my head. but i'm pretty damn sure that they're correct. well whatever. i hate getting my spirits up and then have them go skydiving and crashing on the floor. it is not a pretty sight. i know that both of them are prettier, thinner and lots more attractive and interesting than me. so its natural that their company is preferable. so fine. tell me. don't lead me on. don't make me think anything else if there is nothing else. it won't hurt so much as friends. maybe it's simpler too. maybe it is now, just that i don't know that it is. i just don't know any damn thing. i just know that i went there for mainly one reason. because of you. and i got ignored by the reason that i came for. that didn't feel very good. even worse that he chose to be with her instead of me. well can't fault his choice there. but can't fault me for feeling bad too. oh damnit. oh damnit damnit damnit damnit damnit. i still got a show to do tmr. fuck this, i'm going to shower.
:11:52 PM: :sugah~plum
ahhh. just spent the day in theatre. also just realised how difficult it is to rig lights after watching it being done today. i still find it amazing how much work there needs to be put in by all the different groups of people for a production. and this is only a small-scale one with small cast and small crew. the bigger-scaled ones, its just chaotic. and lots of work. i think this is the beginning of theatre appreciation. hmm. and my prediction is right. the past weekend seems so far away, being so utterly relaxed. and now i'm getting all busy again. rashomon, then after that got to do funorama stuff and dance stuff, not to mention line-in stuff, most of which i've put off til after rashomon. really am glad that i don't have to go for cross country tho, i absolutely detest running. hmm really should sleep now, the show's tmr. but hair's still wet, had to wash off all the gross hairspray hairgel stuff from my hair. got home at nearly 1 from the theatre la. don't have to go to school tmr tho, so that's good. mmm. really should sleep now, kinda sleepy. hope its alright to sleep with wet hair. goodnight :)
:1:41 AM: :sugah~plum
oh oops. i sound rather juvenile.
:11:41 PM: :sugah~plum
i am overwhelmed by the compelling need to blog. because i do not want to talk to myself anymore, i shall type it out. type what? i'm not sure, really. which is part of the whole point. i am confused. its weird, so many things seemed to have happened. its only been 4 days, but something somewhere somehow, inexplicably, has changed. for one, three of my very simple fantasies have been fufilled. i am a human, not a toy, and i have simple wishes and wants too, like humans, and when i hurt, i cry, i break and i fall. its not that i become absolutely pathetic and mope around for weeks when i am, but nevertheless i feel it inside. i'm not even saying that i'm hurting very badly right now, but it does, some. what is worse, loneliness or being hurt? i don't know, but to me its the same. they both don't feel very good. the ironic thing is that the former seems to cause the latter, in my case. perhaps loneliness causes me to do weird things that i might not have done if i was feeling normal. but that's irrelevant here yet again.
maybe i'm being taken as a substitute for someone. its not like it hasn't happened before. or maybe it just happened. again its not like it hasn't happened before. the trouble is, because things similar to such has happened before, it might once again, take the same path. which means, it doesn't work out. as usual. i'm tired of things not working out. but i know it can't be rushed or that miraculously it works out. i also know that just because you want something you can't force something to fit into what you want. i don't want to lose another friend because of us trying to do that. maybe because i'm finding it weird, therefore causing the confusion. i mean, it feels alright to me, kind of like its always been this way or something. but it hasn't. we've always just been friends, and then, in just 4 days, or perhaps it might have been longer without me knowing it, the perception of how it is has been royally screwed up. maybe its true, its too fast, which makes it kinda... weird. and confusing. but i seem finally more able to open up, and talk about things that i don't usually tell people. that's a good thing. or maybe i'm just putting myself up for ridicule. but maybe its easier just to not think about it. i mean, there's also no point sensationalising the whole matter. i don't even know why i'm bothering to blog this. nvm... i don't know what's going on.
i can always try to pretend that nothing happened at all. maybe because it was a really long weekend, where i didn't have school or rehearsals and i actually had time to think, or do anything at all. when school and rehearsals start again tomorrow... i can just drown myself in being busy again. maybe its better, because then i don't have to think about anything, but then again, it just makes me more tired, and more lonely. or maybe not. i don't know. but i'm okay. i think.
:10:44 PM: :sugah~plum
if it doesn't mean anything to you why should it mean anything to me?
funny how so much can seem to happen in a short span of 2 days. something nice happened, something traumatising happened (if you can count sats), something happy happened, and something depressing happened. i ought to be sleeping now actually, was pretty darn depressed and tired just a while ago. which of course conflicts with my earlier happier mood when hanging out with my friends. so confusing... don't get me wrong, i'm confused too. very. hmm okay i shall just burst into a commentary about just now. was supposed to go chinablack after nydc, but ended up going to da's house to play mahjong instead. i don't know if it was a wise choice, but was too tired to go chinablack anyway, and wasn't really in the mood anymore.
on a nice happier note, i got lots of nice presents this year. things that i want and like heh... so cool. and i almost shrieked when i discovered this nice big me to you bear in a box from my friend... always wanted one of these. so darn cute. and can keep me company when i'm feeling lost and alone. he seems to know just what to get me. hmm... and the something nice that happened... has something to do with the something depressing that happened. i don't know, it sounds confusing, and basically it is too, so i shouldn't even bother to elaborate right. yeah... so i think i shall leave it at that. and go to sleep instead.
:1:39 AM: :sugah~plum
love me if you dare
damn i loved that show. just watched it yesterday with josh after visiting and having dinner at the airport, at the swensens at t1 that i remembered going to once on a field trip long ago or smth. i don't know, it seems like my long term memory is rather faulty, my mum said smth that happened in p4 which i don't remember, and josh mentioned smth that happened in p1?2? or 3? that i can't quite remember either. quite sad right, where has my childhood gone too. maybe that's why i have this like nice wistful feeling whenever i recall anything that remotely came from my childhood. seems like i haven't blogged for ages too... i don't know. always mean to, but for the past three nights i've fell asleep earlier than i've meant to, partly coz my bed seems so comfy and partly coz i'm damn tired. so the only time i'm awake enough to blog seems to be now, in the afternoon, on the day before my SATs which just reminded me that i haven't printed out my admission ticket yet!!! ack.
okay must print it out now. before i forget yet again. in fact i should be studying sats now hmm. but i really haven't been online in a while haha... so er. shall go do sats soon. soon. and if anyone thinks i shouldn't study, well, i didn't the last time and look what happened heh :p did badly la of course. and damn i'm so out of point, i wanted to exult the show love me if you dare. it seems like people don't really like it, and i really do, perhaps because it appeals to me. and the funny part is that i actually almost teared throughout the movie and ended up crying in the end. tsk. funny me right, people cry at E.T, lion king and tragedies, and i cry at love me if you dare. i think i like french movies, but then i've only seen 2 recently so i can't be sure. well the language sounds impossibly nice tho d: but anyway, i don't really know how to explain it, but i really liked the movie. the surrealistic quality of julien's imaginations and the strong love between them is like, so cool. and not only the strength of it, but the bizzareness of it... i mean, like its not normal love but its quirky yet powerful, and i think its cool. maybe its coz of this element of danger or excitement... or just the fascinating plot... but its just great la.
so thus my 18th birthday passed without fanfare, but was really nice nevertheless. having a celebration proper tmr, but i think i'd just prefer to call it a gathering where i can hang out with my friends, especially those i haven't seen in a while. really glad for this long break from school and rehearsals tho. yup... happy
:2:27 PM: :sugah~plum
ahhh. just had a nice bath. feel rather refreshed now, compared to the panic filled sweltering day. definitely was a rather hectic day. not really a moment to spare even... didn't even have a free period today sigh. haha but the dancing was fun, though really rather tiring. had school and all and then had S geog screening test which i think i screwed up by going way out of point, and then dance and then dance again at drama and then dance at dance where i had to change and make up super fast hmm. the irritating thing is that i had to carry a cd player from the council room to the basketball court to and fro without it being used at all -_- it was heavy k! plus i was tired from all that dancing. ohwell... i think the dance item was pretty good, save the slight glitches here and there, don't think it was very obvious tho. i hope i did a decent job -_- drama was alright too, the drama parts were really funny. my jacket was too big tho, and falling off hmm. i thought i did look kinda spastic dancing by myself tho when everyone had partners hmm.
luckily i had the presence of mind to eat during recess, didn't have a proper lunch or dinner except for little snacks. haha went to support ad1 in their hotdog selling efforts after my items, not too bad either d: ohwell i suppose i have to go to sleep soon, still have school tmr and another S paper screening test which i will probably fail as well. dunno why i get myself into so many things... probably gonna be quite busy this year. hope i have a bit of time for a social life heh. ohwell! i guess its better than bumming around doing nothing, tho that's a pretty nice thing to do sometimes. yes. i shall just tell myself i'm erm, making full use of my youth. its not like i'd have many more chances to do such stuff when i'm old anyway... so... might as well do everything now! hmm. wonder if that even sounds logical.
:9:41 PM: :sugah~plum
oh man my left eye is seriously sore now and my face is starting to break out -_- ohwell... my hair is very black now, coloured it back for school hmm, ended up washing my hair so many times in the past two days. twice a day for two days hmm, once to get out the smoke smell and twice to get out the dye smell. tsk. damn school is starting again tmr, no more slacking :( i haven't done much hwk this hol, think i'm probably gonna suffer for it. really kinda too busy with cca though, really shouldn't be doing so much, know i'm gonna regret it sometime. already this weekend is damn packed already, tmr having drama and choral group rehearsals til 10 plus i think then on sat drama and dance clashes at 9am... then more rehearsals til 6. sun got some performance thing too. aieee. haha... nevermind. as someone just told me, cross the bridge as it comes. i just hope i'm in the right state of mind for my jan sats... haha that way if i do badly again i can't blame it on me being sleep deprived or sick. but i do hope i won't do badly again :( hmm think i shall go watch dr. doolittle haha :p
:10:21 PM: :sugah~plum