its raining.
its getting heavier, and heavier. but not only is it raining little raindrops of water, its raining pretty delicate yellow petals outside my window. the sound of rain hitting the ground in a sort of rustling noise fills my room. the people at the swimming pool rush to find shelter, away from the unforgiving rain. sometimes i wonder, why people run away from rain. is being dry so necessary? maybe people are reluctant to experience things outside their comfort zone, unwilling to try new things or just to discover something else other than the routine of life?
the rain becomes lighter. the petals are gone. instead, they are replaced by thin needle-like shards of clear cyrstal. a leaf falls from the above. then another. and yet another. and the rain slowly but steadily starts to increase its velocity once again. three children run, screaming and laughing, not away from the rain, but embracing the rain, splashing in the swimming pool. funny how many things change when we grow older. we grow more self-conscious, more reserved, less unflinching in our beliefs, less innocent and less fearless. sometimes we give children less credit than they deserve.
the rain stops.
but not for long. once again its almost a torrential downpour. how mercurial and volatile changes in nature are. but then again, aren't most things in life unpredictable and changing? you decide.
:3:53 PM: :sugah~plum
hyperventilate.
*hyperventilates* breathe. breathe. Dirty Dancing 2. breathe. breathe. tango. salsa. mambo. merengue. foxtrot. beautiful, passionate forms of dance art that i love, adore and can only hope to emulate and one day learn. i loved Dirty Dancing, the steps and moves the dances everything was fantastic. just wish i could dance like that. perhaps i'll go learn after the A levels. Honey. Hip hop and R&B. what more can i say? funky dancing... all these great movies coming out. need to go watch. must wait til after exams. oh wow. there's other nice movies too... i want to watch Lost in Translation too hmm. but yes. Dirty Dancing and Honey takes priority. now does any dance enthusiast or dilettante like to watch it with me? because it is likely that i will swoon. and rant. and exalt.
:3:21 PM: :sugah~plum
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. i pressed the backspace button on my keyboard and my entire post was wiped out..... -_- it was damn long too. argh. what a waste of time... and i should have been studying too. i never really mind when silly posts that don't make much sense are deleted, but i really really hate it when its a post where i put emotions in. sigh. i don't really remember what i blogged previously also... how to replicate something that's heartfelt, i don't know. so i shall not replicate it. and i shall just post a ridiculous senseless post instead. my sentiments about the paper chase, the difference in perspectives between me and my parents and how its strange how inflexible in accepting other viewpoints some people are, and how attitude towards life and things in life is important will be gone with the unpredictable workings of the internet where a strange technical problem can wipe away all feelings once recorded down in a small little box on a screen.
but anyway. must not mope too long over a blog post. went to town today to get specs and contacts. i love my spare specs :) daily disposable lens are difficult to remove tho... my eyes are still red. need to study. hmm. anyway i want to get another tattoo! i like tattoos. they're so nice. hmm wonder if its against the sch rules tho... i was thinking of getting one on my finger -_- hmm. hopefully its okay. and i really must abstain from those 4 things i keep eating in sch, they're damn fattening and i'm putting on weight again argh. milo cheesetoast mentos and fries. they're so nice and i keep eating them. shall stop hmm. or at least not so often. friends listen up, if i head for any of these, try pulling me away can d:
ohwell there's nothing much to say already anyway, unless i want to repeat the things i wanted to say in my long-gone post. but its really quite different if you keep the ideas and write it out again, somehow its different the second time round. like something is missing. or like the feelings are different. i don't know... i really must study. have one more day to write my e4 essay. will spend my whole sunday doing that, hopefully i'll still have time for econs and geog. yes back to econs tys then.
:11:37 PM: :sugah~plum
ah hmm. i guess i haven't updated in a while... been tired. as usual... so what's new. had swimming pe today heh, haven't swam in like months and months. feel like a beached whale in my swimsuit too, and i swam like er, a turtle (they don't swim very fast right?). yah... muscles became stiff coz of that hmm. yawn. oh yes must get contacts tmr... before south africa. and well i just need them like soon anyway. i'm looking forward to south africa! hope it'll be fun. hmm tho i've got exams to study for sigh. really really really need to study for them soon. feel rather guilty for slacking tonight even. hmm. nvm. i will study... tmr. i hope :( got abit demoralised by the university talk today, or rather, it kind of jabbed me in the sides, temporarily bringing me out of my purposeless, vacant state. i still don't really know what i want or what i want to study, and how i'm going to get there. i guess i'm just not good with logistics or planning. but well i have to get through terms first. wish me luck.
:11:12 PM: :sugah~plum
life is so unpredictable. and so precarious. do or say what you want before its too late.
sometimes you want to show you care
but just don't know how
don't know what to do to let them know
people drift apart for no reason
other than foolish pride
or perhaps the distance makes them cold
* but don't lose hope
don't lose sight
of things that matter
life is so short
so treasure the love in your life
show them you care
show them the value of love
so many things to trouble you
in this confusing life
sometimes you just forget about your friends
you can only live this life once
so live it properly and
don't look back and regret
repeat *
don't wait til its too late
don't take the people close to you for granted
don't stop to think, just don't stop
go ahead and show them the value of love
don't lose hope
don't lose sight
of things that matter in this life...
:11:50 PM: :sugah~plum
yawn
oh goodness. so tired, my muscles feel like they don't work anymore. had a leg cramp yesterday after pe and dance, think my muscles are malfunctioning from disuse or something. hmm. was feeling a little sleepy from cough medicine again... its like i'm permantly sleepy or something nowadays. but nvm. have a lit essay to write and math tutorials to finish, shouldn't sleep yet. heh. ahh there's funorama this sat. how hectic. hopefully it'll be fun too, i just discovered today that painting banners is actually relatively fun. its causing quite a bit of stress on everyone tho... tension. sigh. oh hmm... trying to decide if i should perform for the founders day dinner. its like, two days before terms -_- which i haven't studied for yet. *alarm bells going off* die man. argh i hope my last minute mugging skills haven't diminished yet. coz i think i'll be needing them. i'm trying to recall when i've reached home before 8 or 9 during the entire year and i think i can only remember a couple of days... last last friday, and maybe one or two days after the orientation campfire. sigh. oh man getting sleepier maybe i should stop blogging and try to do the essay. or math. but math is more fun... but er. lalalalalalaa.
:10:53 PM: :sugah~plum
the greatest thing you'll ever learn... is just to love and be loved in return
the phrase haunts me. it stays in my mind, and uttered by my breath. its tune slowly builts up in my throat and out my mouth. its a beautiful phrase. so simple, yet so succinct. no need for any more words. because its just that simple. when it comes down to it, there isn't really much to life, but truth, beauty, freedom, and love. of course it sometimes seems like there's just so many evils out there in life, but people are mostly in control of their own fate and how they see things. and if they see that the essence of life is simply truth, beauty, freedom and love, how can anyone say otherwise? doesn't it all boil down to how you believe. how much people believe in something, anything.
maybe its very cliched to say so, but isn't love a sustaining energy of life? i'm not even talking about romantic love here, but just love in general. how is it possible to live completely alone, without anyone at all with you? the thought of it scares me. does it scare you? i think even loners or outcasts, anyone at all, can't be alone. people need people. people need love. in the most simplest form. in friendship, in companionship, in family, in any form at all. i guess in the long run, nothing else really matters. what does it matter if you're rich, or successful, or accumulate a lot of stuff, baggage, whatever. our existence on this planet is but a tiny fraction of time. time waits for no one, it just keeps revolving, til the end of time. and who knows when that will be. so why not make the most of it while we can? be spontaneous. hell, i wish i could.
spent most of my day watching tv. quite evident there, from the sudden burst of inspiration from moulin rouge. not only moulin rouge, but also from sex and the city. i can't possibly understand why singapore banned the show. its brillant. perhaps because of the mention of sex, swear words aplenty and the open display of homosexuality. but so what? its real. and the message of the show doesn't really even seem to be about sex, but more of life. it shows, how when people fall down, they have to pick themselves up, flaws and all, and continue walking. because that's what real people do. it shows, how people face their fears, how being physically intimate with someone is different from connecting on an emotional level. and so many other real truths in life. what a pity its banned here. but then again, a lot of things are banned here. i don't even want to go into that.
from sex and the city, one of the phrases stay in mind. and that is, maybe there isn't someone out there for everyone. yeah, people are always saying, oh there's someone out there for everyone. but maybe that's not true, maybe there isn't always a particular soulmate that everyone should have. not everyone will be able to find one. but there are other things. life is not only just about having a someone out there. its more like... someones. or maybe not. perhaps for people with a someone, that someone might be enough. but for people who don't have a someone, then there are always the someones. the other people. the good friends, the occasional dates, the family, the... people. all the people out there.
i guess i don't really know how to put it. the bottom line is, just live life fully. truly, happily, strongly, wrongly, rightly, confusingly, with passion, with vigour, with zest, with life, with quiet emotions, with fireworks, with everything we've got. live it whatever way you want. because its your life, and its short. and its everything we've got. but sadly people don't always get to live life they want to. there's just so many restrictions, so many obstacles. and people don't always know what kind of life they want to live too, sometimes. but i guess, the idea is to just cross the bridge when it comes.
i think love isn't really... like fireworks, not all the time. it seems to me, like its more of a strong and silent feeling that doesn't suffocate, but overwhelms and warms, and is a breath of life itself. its like, something that makes people do the craziest things and yet be the happiest. i think its a feeling that can't be defined. i think its many of the small things in life that people don't notice. i think that its everywhere, in everything. but then again, what do i know. i've never been in love before. but that's okay. because that's not the only kind of love that matters.
one day i'll fly away. leave all this to yesterday. why live life from dream to dream? just live.
:10:00 PM: :sugah~plum
flowers are a symbol of love
i don't mean to be depressing, but it just occured to me that flowers are really beautiful, but they wilt rather quickly. and that's really quite a pity. it does, somehow, remind me of love though. when a flower is budding, its ethereally beautiful and delicate presence and symbol of new life resembles the fragile beginnings of a relationship, and its growth and blossom into a zenith of myriad colours and heady scent traces the development of a relationship into something beautiful. like seeing a bouquet of flowers, seeing or being with a loved one could make a person burst into a natural grin and acquire a deep feeling of warmth. but when the flower starts to wilt... the sadness and poignancy of watching it slowly shrivel and dry up, its just plain sad to watch. some people throw away their flowers, not wanting to see the result of its death. some people dry their flowers and keep them, preserving the memory of something that once was beautiful. me, i keep and dry most of the flowers i receive. maybe because i can't bear to throw them away, or maybe i'm just sentimental.
i guess i'm just inspired by the invasion of flowers everywhere to blog about flowers. yes, its that time of the year again, where cheesy, sappy commercials and gifts with special exorbitant prices rule. its not that i'm being bitter about valentine's day or anything, but really, that isn't the point of the day is it? i think it could have been a really nice occasion, but its kinda being ruined with commercialism. what a pity. i guess v day just doesn't really mean anything to me anymore. and it has no reason to. year in year out its the same thing, which is nothing really. i'm getting used to it. doesn't really matter to me. you don't really need a day to show people you care or love them... there's every other day, and many other little ways. oh but then again, it also seems kinda sad when you see everyone else doing so except you right haha. but that's life ain't it. on a bright note, the guys in our class gave the girls a stuffed animal each that's supposed to resemble us d: very cute and very thoughtful of them. in return, us girls gave them hearts and flowers on sticks with beads and feathers, was very pretty. two very nice people in class also bought hairbands for all of us, and mr ngoei brought in some nice munchies. was a pretty fun and rowdy first two periods of the day, well spent in camaraderie.
hmm... i think wine would make a good symbol of love too. of a different type of love, one not quite so fleeting or beautiful, but more like a lasting kind of love. one that would flavour with age, and is treasured and savoured. but then again, there are so many kinds of love aren't there. family love, romantic love, love between friends... i suppose it just wouldn't be possible to find symbols for every one of them. i guess flowers can represent one of the more common or most coveted types of love (whichever way you want to look at it)... fleeting, beautiful, momentous love. well, for people who've got someone to spend this day with, i wish you well and hope you are happy. for people who don't, take heart, there's probably someone out there meant for you, just waiting for you to discover. and in the meantime, i wish you well and hope you are happy as well.
maybe the best thing anyone can do right now, is to be content with what we have. and treasure it. goals and wishes are well and good, and should be attempted to be attained in time, but there's no hurry, is there. walk slowly and smell the roses while we still have the chance. don't walk too slowly though, for the roses may wilt before you know it, and you'll be just gazing at empty gardens where once were flowers. such irony. but i guess there's two sides to every coin, two diametrically opposite entities in almost everything in this world. the biggest irony is that usually the line between two opposites is finer than we know. how easy is it to cross the line. there's just so much ambiguity... but that's life as we know it. full of ambiguity.
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.
:12:29 AM: :sugah~plum
arrrgghh. so damn tired. i couldn't even get out of bed this morning... almost didn't want to go to school. coughing away, throat hurts and i just generally feel horrible. no idea why i'm in school... mostly coz of cca sigh. arrrgghh.
:9:39 AM: :sugah~plum
snort. i just realised how very idiotic i have been. yup. anyway quite sad, lost a whole post last night. it was one of my very few introspective and un-bimbotic posts, and it got erased because of an unstable internet connection. i guess it just goes to show how there is no permanency in life. everything changes. a whole paragraph of words on the computer could just disappear at a click, a heartfelt letter could be blown away at a gust of a wind, does that mean emotions left in them would disappear too? everything changes. i just realised how much i've changed. just wrote in my diary yesterday after almost one whole year. been keeping one/two for what, 6? 7? years, and i guess its possible to see the changes. in the handwriting, in the thinking, in the perspective of what is important. but i guess some things doesn't change. i realise what a lot of what i write about is similar. mostly its about my misguided and disastrous forays into relationships which almost always never get to happen. i guess sometimes my desire for love or something close to it causes me to make hasty conclusions or undertake silly actions.
another thing that hasn't and probably won't ever change would probably be my clumsiness. i suppose these few days or past week i've been tired and not in prime condition and i got even more clumsier than usual. recently i've had more than my fair share of little accidents. tripped and fell flat in the middle of the dance studio on tuesday, giving myself two very big blue blacks, one on my hip and one on my right knee. they are very purple. not to mention a scrape on my elbow as well. also, i've walked into the metal part of a chair, getting a maroon blueblack on the same knee. and i closed the taxi door on my leg, slipped and fell while dancing, almost walked straight into a chair and banged my forehead on something. also discovered a cut on my finger, how it got there i have no idea, but it does hurt. i'm a pretty myriad of colours once again.
i have never been elegant, or classy or poised. just been incredibly blur and clumsy, messy, the works. and unlike in television shows, where the ugly messy clumsy girl who is actually pretty and pretending to be ugly messy clumsy, gets the guy, this is sadly untrue in real life. not that girls desperately need guys or anything. but i think any girl would want someone to take care of her and just to have someone there, to spend time with and to share something special. something like that. i suppose i'm no exception. anyway i can't continue blogging, mosquitoes are assaulting me.
:5:35 PM: :sugah~plum
Someone Else's Star
Alone again tonight without someone to love.
The stars are shining bright so one more wish goes up.
Oh, I wish I may and I wish with all my might.
For the love I'm dreaming of and missing in my life.
You'd think that I could find a true love of my own.
It happens all the time to people that I know.
Their wishes all come true so I've got to believe.
There's still someone out there who is meant for only me.
I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star.
It seems like someone else keeps gettin what I'm wishing for.
Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are?
I guess I must be wishing, on someone else's star.
I sit here in the dark and stare up at the sky,
But I can't give my heart one good reason why.
Everywhere I look it's lovers that I see.
It seems like everyone's in love with everyone but me.
:12:17 PM: :sugah~plum
the show went well. i got feedback again that i looked really freaky. so cool! no one would be freaked by me on a normal basis -_- hehe my one chance to freak people out. heeheeeheee. yes. also got lots of pretty flowers haha. i must buy the photocopying silica gel or smth, really don't want to see them die. the bouquet is like, so pretty la... its got like herbal looking leafy thingies in it with white flowers. argh so pretty. feeling remarkably better today... just watched finding nemo, its impossibly funny and SOOOOOOOOOO cute. bloody cute. seriously. i was like, laughing like crazy throughout the whole show. anyone who was watching it at raeza's house can testify to that. heh. drama productions are pretty fun. a lot of work goes into them tho. ohwell, there's still midsummers heh. tho i'd only be dancing for that. ahhh got a lot of things to do tmr... and really have to start doing sch related stuff again eeks. and er. i dunno what. man... my throat is going, it hurts and i'm like coughing. finished the whole bottle of honeyed water that the crew gave us (so thoughtful and nice!), but still hurts now la. ohwell. hope it gets better.
:1:43 AM: :sugah~plum