life is full of many hard choices. it's full of things we don't want to do but have to do, and things we want to do but are unable to do. its full of laughter and sadness, full of complexities that baffle the mind and vex the spirit. i think the hard choices are the ones that really affect the course of a life. choices are what determines the outcome of everything, and affects your whole life. i think the ideal thing to do is not to regret the choice once its been made, and just persevere with it. but i sometimes do still regret some of the choices i made, well too late now, and basically all i can do is just to forget and forgive them, and look to the present and the future instead.
its been more than a week since we came back from south africa... i'm slowly settling into school, but still, can't seem to pay attention properly and everything. homework i need to do, but can't seem to get to it properly either. it kind of feels like drama is such an integral part of my life now, that everytime a production is over i'd feel kind of lost. like there's nothing to do, or something like that. i can understand why alumni comes back to visit, not only drama, but for some other ccas too. or maybe its part of the ac spirit thing, experiences are mostly memorable because of the bonds between people. well, i don't really know how to say it. although i don't think i actually belong to a particular group of friends in sch, i still treasure my time in ac, and would miss it a lot when its over. and how soon that'll be... in no time the 'A's are just gonna creep up on me unnoticed, and all the guys will be in NS, and the girls to uni. and we'll all split up. its sad but its true. aren't most things in life anyway. but i guess the sad parts have to be experienced before the truly happy part of life can really be enjoyed.
mmm. kinda sleepy now too... so think i shall sleep soon... which would be about the same time i've been sleeping every night hmm. no wonder not conducive for lessons right hmm.
:11:54 PM: :sugah~plum
i've just had a damn funny night heh. and a rather fun afternoon too... i never knew that sewing things could actually be fun haha. well crafts always are anyway. probably the burning added to the fun heh, burning is like how er. fun la... great my vocabulary is vastly lacking in words. heh and i'd been having laughing fits ever since the pillows incident. but nevermind... its not really funny when described, its like one of the things that you need to be there for it to be funny. like the women of the world raise your right hand thing also haha. okay nevermind... damn amused today. hmm actually i wrote a post last night... that actually had some sense in it, yes was being reflective, but i think it got lost somewhere, so nvm. shall be bimbotic today, don't believe i really have posted one of these rambly bouncey posts for a while already anwyay. rather happy now... ever since south africa, tho getting a light touch of flu. strangely enough, i'm kind of alternating between happy and confused or sad, really quite happy but quite screwed up in the brain... but er well it usually is tho heh. really don't want to do my hwk... yawn. really really hope there's no pass pe for us too... i really cannot for the life of me run la. and i'm being totally out of point... sleepy la.
:11:45 PM: :sugah~plum
people complain a lot about life. i know that, because i do that quite a bit. but then on reflection, there really isn't much to complain about. because the alternative is probably worse that how it already is. sometimes. was just thinking just now, that if people could actually posess crystal balls or something that can be used to predict the future, then they could make the wisest decision that would make life much happier before anything wrong happened. but if life truly were such, it would be pretty damn boring wouldn't it? if everything could be predicted and predetermined. there would be no surprises, no anticipation, no hard decisions, and thus no variety or spice in life. perfection isn't really ever perfect is it... when something is too flawless it probably gets boring. and one-dimensional, lacking in depth and emotion. so i guess we should all be contend with what happens in life, if not, then strive it for yourself. i'm feeling kinda messed up in the mind right now, kind of fluctuating between happiness and sadness... yawn. too sleepy to make any sense now.
:12:01 AM: :sugah~plum
'We look to the dawn and it's an African dawn, and we feel like we feel 'cause we're African born, and we're proud, proud to call Africa home...'
excerpts from what i wrote in school today:
'Memory is the strangest thing. Life and memory. Just think, one day ago I was doing this, two days ago I was doing that, its all just so surreal. I can remember some things in all clarity, how the moments felt, but i just can't seem to relive the moments properly. There's just something missing. The actuality of it perhaps? Maybe because its all become faint threads of things that had happened but are not happening now. I seem to be still clinging to the last vestiges of a sub-reality i was living in for the past week or so. Perhaps at time when the sub-reality is stronger than reality, we never really return to normal again. Because reality has the potential to be what you choose it to be. Maybe its within control sometimes, maybe not. But the magic of the past week... I don't want to lose it, but I think I already have. Because I have to bitterly embrace my current reality. I don't know how I can go back to living my stupid mundane life, but I guess I can. Eventually.' written during math lecture
yes, i enjoyed South Africa. very much indeed, and was/am really sad to leave. but it seems like whoever asks me how it was, the answer always seems to be the same. 'its damn fun'. i don't know how to put across all that i've seen, felt, smelled and experienced in a few sentences. words fail me. school was rather weird today... the fact that just several hours ago i was still in south africa, made life in singapore and especially school, seem particularly mundane. and boring. i don't really know if its entirely the place that made it so great, but i'm quite sure the people i was with and the people there made a whole world of difference. the people there are friendly, spontaneous, funny, at least those we met. and the people i was with, so fun, all the time we spent together singing and slacking and stuff, and the performing at the schools, giving dance and drama workshops... its just so enjoyable. and the place is wonderful too, the fresh air, the comfortable weather, and the safari with the wide expanse of land, animals running free in the wild, and beautiful scenery. there's just so much we did, in so few days, which seemed to be so long yet so short, as a day seemed like many days as we were so comfortable there, but not long enough apparently, because its already over.
there's passion in the place.
'It's over and past. But funny, what do people live for? The past, the present or the future? Because the present will eventually become past anyway, everything does once it passes. And sometimes it seems that the memories of the past sustain the present... because memories of the past are what differentiates the individual or shared experiences of each person, his/her personality and how they live their life. If life was always a blank slate and all memories or experiences being constantly erased... wouldn't it be rather boring and meaningless? I would treasure my memories, good or bad. Recently rather damn good.' written during geog tutorial
i think we all bonded with each other to some extent on the trip. with much joking, laughing, singing and joy. i think we also enjoyed the interaction and exploring of another culture(s). don't know how life can ever be the same again. really quite glad i'm in ac, given me the chance to experience so much, especially in drama. anyway... this is definitely one of the best experiences in my life, and probably would be for a long time to come.
:9:54 PM: :sugah~plum
DIRTY DANCING!!
i want to learn latin dance. i want to learn latin dance. oh its beautiful its wondrous its sexy its passionate its lithe its graceful connective, just so damn nice. watched dirty dancing 2 today... it had many elements of dirty dancing, but still it had its own plot. sigh. so nice the dancing!! and the love story is pretty nice too, the two leads are both damn... sizzling. the girl is sweet and pretty in a sexy way, and the guy is roguishly cheeky and sexy. they have great chemistry too. wow. me and da were like quaking in excitment and almost jumping in our seats as we swooned. heh i think she's the right person for me to watch this show with... who else is gonna swoon with me d: i still want to watch honey!! more dancing yaaayy. hmm. got a mosquito bite like a 20 cent coin size yesterday at ashley's house but today it became like a 2 dollar note size (?!) so irritating. went to induz3 after that yesterday, was quite fun but the music was kinda weird, they were playing technoish and rock&roll stuff for some time. eerk. and if there's one music i don't like besides classical, its techno -_- hmm went in my dance pants and slippers... must have looked damn weird. but heck i felt like going heh. ohwell... have to try and write my e8 essay that i was doing halfway like 2 weeks ago or smth... tho i can't figure out how to continue hmm. latin dance!
:12:15 AM: :sugah~plum
my life will be over before i know it.
hmm. just watched some hongkong soap drama just now on tv. always get rather angry with the silly tv shows sometimes, as there's always the 'two people who are in love but cannot be together because of some despo hanger-on girlfriend/boyfriend' thing. very annoying. but then again, if there's no conflict, it ain't interesting tv right? but its still annoying. because in that show i just watched, these two people are like in love or something, but the guy's girlfriend/ex-girlfriend, whatever, takes care of him when he was injured and like lied to him that she was pregnant. ohmygoodness so drama. what the hell, she knew very well that he was in love with someone else but doesn't mind forcing him to marry her even though he's only doing it out of gratitude and responsibility (?!!) sigh. some things are just so... ludicrous. seriously, gratitude and responsibility does not a marriage make. at least i think so... why get married to someone you don't love and then spend the rest of your life regretting it? granted, one could learn to love the other, but more like in the way of deep concern or something. oh nevermind... its just a silly tv show. i watch too much tv sometimes.
does it seem that live is flashing by our very eyes? it seems like time goes by so very fast.... yet so very slow at the same time. its like this recurring point that truths in life and basically almost everything, is contradictory. it is one thing and everything at the same time. like in The Things They Carried by tim o'brien, o'brien makes a point about being unable to generalise something as 'almost everything is true' and that 'almost nothing is true' as well. i'm really taking a liking to this book... its so damn poignant and so very very true at the same time. but well... what is true and what is not? what is fact and what is fiction? which part of truth is fact and which part is fiction... well... we never really know do we. ohwell... maybe i shouldn't analyse everything so closely. must be all that lit. i think lit is beautiful though. its a way in which we could try to understand life.
hmm but i digress. was sitting in the lit exam this morning, planning and writing furiously away, the time literally slipping through my fingers at each pause i took to think, and before i knew it, the time was up and i wasn't finished. but when i took the bus home just now, the wait, the ride home and the walking, seemed excruciatingly long although it took about half the time of the paper. how strange it is that the same amount of time can seem so different under different circumstances. had i had company on the way home, i probably wouldn't even have noticed how much time it took at all. but the fact is i didn't. and it felt strange, seems like pretty long since i did that, although it wasn't. i guess it was because i was remembering the times i actually had company. but nevermind. i was just thinking as i was walking, how quickly everything passes. my life will be over before i know it. it just seems like when i look forward to things, i want it to come sooner, but not to come sooner as well because i know that when i'm experiencing it, it'll be over soon, and i'll never get the exact feeling back. its like... perhaps i need to look forward to something. when the thing is over, i'd look for something else to look forward to. its like i need to feed off these little incidents in life in order to sustain life itself. sometimes the anticipating is better than the actual experience. because no matter how great the experience is... it cannot last forever. memory might be able to, but it is only a glimmer of the true glory of the moment. and memory can fade.
:10:53 PM: :sugah~plum
i initially came online to blog. finished my e4 essay around 12 plus, couldn't stop writing, just went on and on about anything i could think about. i think i wrote like 6 sides, with only 4 points. later when i finished the whole thing did i remember i missed a point hmm but well it was too late. anyway i seem to have this incessant urge to blog these days. there just seems to be so much to talk about. like the lit essay just now too, didn't usually write so much last time. and i don't think i blogged so much either. maybe because its so close to exams. and i usually tend to do other things other than study near exams. actually i came online to blog about war. and how utterly sad it makes me.
got inspired by Pat Barker's Regeneration to blog just now. there was one part where Burns had some sorf of a fit in this moat or smth, and Rivers went there to look for him and he thinks, Nothing justifies this. Nothing, nothing, nothing. and i agree. there never really is much justification in war is there. when i was watching The Last Samurai, i actually cried. felt so upset over the waste of all the lives lost in war, touched by the spirit and determination of the samurais, and so angry at how it takes so many deaths before a fact that could have been realised before the deaths had occured is actually realised. i also cried when i read regeneration i think.
war is just so damn horrible. it affects everyone and everything. spares nothing. regeneration just emphasises that. all the horrifying psychological traumas that the war hospital patients go through, the vacant eyes of the limbless people in the medical hospital. sigh why fight... why waste lives. but then again right i'm immensely sleepy at the moment so what i've typed might all be wrong. ohwell.
:1:40 AM: :sugah~plum