a storm is brewing. in fact, there's one going on right now. it was raining very heavily tonight. a torrential downpour. and in the words of my dad, "raining lions and tigers". indeed it was. visuality was bad. very very bad. could hardly see through the windscreen of the car, wonder how it was even possible to drive like that. but that is not the only storm that was brewing. a lot of people are like tightly wound spring, ready to snap or rebound at any moment. there just seems to be an ominous undertone in everything these days. even the weather is behaving this way, with incandescent flashes of lightning, and the wind swirling dead leaves up in a rush of air and peculiar little pattering noises. i suspect an upcoming cataclysm.
my back hurts.
:8:22 PM: :sugah~plum
BAH. i feel utterly drained.
:10:11 PM: :sugah~plum
i'm happy.
life is so simple. simple things make me happy. i find that if you don't worry about things, you won't be unhappy. well at least weekends should be worry free. i'll worry about everything else during the week (and the dreaded 2.4 tmr), but actually it doesn't even seem that bad now haha. everything is good now nods. even the daunting essays don't seem too daunting, i can probably finish one or two by the end of the week. haha. and i so have to swoon about my uncle's aquarium! its the prettiest thing... and there's so many different varieties of sea creatures in it! there's a nemo and a dory, two razor fish (they're damn cute, they swim vertically!), a pipe fish, a hawk fish, a mandarin fish, a clam (it makes soft vibrating movements!), a sea urchin, a prawn, two seahorses (omg they are super cute and soft and curly), corals, a sea cucumber, and many other little brightly coloured fishes. so pretty! i spent the whole night cooing over the fish. deprived of pets that i am haha. haha oops my comp is starting to make funny sounds and malfunction in strange ways... hmm... it's obviously way too old already haha. but nvm! nothing can dampen my good weekend mood... for now. haha i can't say the same for tmr! but who cares... i'll take it one day at a time :)
ladida. my room is now almost completely free of dried flowers. with the exception of the two empty alcohol bottles stuffed with a few stalks each, most of the bouquets and also singular stalks are now residing in my living room, in a cosy straw basket on a wooden chair. i think it makes a rather nice decorative piece haha. at least it will last longer than real flowers heh. i like breko (or is it breko's/brekos? i can't remember haha)... its got nice cosy sofas. but then again, i like every place which has nice cosy sofas haha. i'm a pig :p hmm that reminds me, the pacific coffee place at citilink has nice sofas! they've got these big red plush sofas that i've always wanted to go and sit there and languidly drink coffee, watching people go by, or just simply reading or studying or chatting. such a nice place. but don't want to go alone, and the sofas are very popular and always taken up. i think the citilink raffles city esplanade suntec etc area is actually a very nice place to be. its huge, its not as crowded as orchard, it has a pretty view, great night scene, windy, relaxing... haha i should stop extolling the virtues of the area.
ohwell so many places i want to go to, so many things i want to do. but can't really do that now, lack the time and the company. well perhaps i could find either one of those, but i don't know, usually i wait for it to find me. i'm lazy aren't i d: welll... after 'A's. i'm procrastinating everything to after the 'A's. i want to learn driving! haha and i haven't watched a movie in ages! when was the last time... er... hmm... i think it was dirty dancing 2. that was like one plus month ago. yikes. haha well but don't think i would be able to watch one til june probably... ohwell we'll see. hmhmhmhmm think i shall go and do abit of hwk now!
:10:57 AM: :sugah~plum
to all those who are feeling depressed and down now... this is for you.
So you're standin on the ledge
It looks like you might fall
Its so far down
Or maybe you were thinkin about jumpin
Now you could have it all
If you learned a little patience
For though I cannot fly
I'm not content to crawl
So give me a little credit
Have in me a little faith
I wanna be with you forever
If tomorrow's not too late
But its always too late when you got nothin
So you say
You should never let the sun set on tomorrow
Before the sun rises today
*If I am
Another waste of everything you dreamed of
I will let you down
If I am
Only here to watch you as you suffer
I will let you down
So you're walkin on the edge
And you wait your turn to fall
But you're so far gone
That you don't see the hands upheld to catch you
And you could find the fault
In the heart that you've been handed
For though you cannot fly
You're not content to crawl
And its always too late when you got nothin
So you say
But we should never let the sun set on tomorrow
Before the sun rises
*
So you're standin on the ledge
It looks like you might fall
*
The answers we find
Are never what we had in mind
So we make it up as we go along
You don't talk of dreams
When i won't mention tomorrow
And we won't make those promises we can't keep
I will never leave you
I will not let you down
I will never leave you
I will not let you down
If I Am by Nine Days
sigh i just like this song alot. and it suddenly popped into my mind today on my way home. leg still hurts now... very irritating. it cramped last night while i was sleeping. and sleeping is hardly a strenous activity. just goes to show how extremely high my fitness is... not. sigh mildly frustrated now at a rather hopeless situation. and i have 4 essays to finish in about 2 weeks. not looking particularly good. don't really have particular motivation to do them now... but i will start soon, because i have to. sometimes you just gotta do things you have to do.
:10:18 PM: :sugah~plum
vice evolves from a weakness. and humans have weaknesses. therefore the logical conclusion would be that humans also have vices, some more than others. damn. i don't know why i keep simply stating the obvious. its like i have no opinion or something. hrm. i had wanted to talk about vices... and degeneration. but i realise already that when i think earlier on, and then later try to blog, it just doesn't flow anymore. i think in that way i'm a rather mood based person... i do things based on what i feel like doing, and i think my thoughts have to be spontaneous. shrug. i don't think i'm actually gonna blog about what i actually did want to blog about... instead i think i shall end off with a crappy poem conceived during econs lecture.
Marred by the scars of invisible shards
Of pure glinting glass
Once a whole throbbing sculpture
Of radiance, of light
Smashed by the bare hands of its Creators
Cascading tears of crimson come forth
Called by the force of millions
Pressing on soft vulnerable flesh
More than blood, more than sweat
Tender crystal shards pour into the fray
A jarring juxtaposition of what is real
What is not, and what is once lost
and will always be gone.
:9:41 PM: :sugah~plum
give and take
life is about giving and taking. some people give more than they take, for others, its the other way round. but no one can give all the time, or should have to. and no one should just take all the time either. a balance is the way to go. isn't it? how can two people love each other so much yet cannot get along and can actually make a conscious decision to be apart? well granted, its a tv show, but seriously... is real life that complicated too? there's just so much effort needed to make things work. i guess it applies to a lot of things, marriage included. which is why that above scenario could happen i suppose. yes i've been watching sex and the city again. i love it. its so real yet so reel. the issues are real, the people are real... and its pretty darn funny. yeah but i really should stop gushing about it anyway... weird behaviour heh d:
i had so many thoughts just now. it seems like the best times i can churn out lucid and sensible thoughts are when i'm pondering or mulling, talking to myself. and later when i decide to type it out, all those thoughts just leave me. how unfortunate. but it doesn't matter anyway... if i've already had a deep conversation with myself, there's no need to try and have one on my blog with no one in particular again. mmm. i think i shall ponder these thoughts another time when i am less sleepy. for now, adieu.
:11:40 PM: :sugah~plum
"Have you ever got everything you ever wanted? And then realized it wasn't what you wanted at all?" Richard Mayhew, Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman
"Can't say that I have."
because i haven't. at least i think i haven't. seems like its in human nature never to be satisfied, after getting what we want, we just want more and more and more. its like this neverending stream of wants. but well that's kinda besides the point really. i guess the point in the statement is basically... what we seem to want might not be what we really want. does that make sense? all the things we mortals seem to seek, good grades. a good job. a true love. money. a good life. or whatever. seems kinda empty sometimes though doesn't it? is that all there is to life? chasing these things? was thinking about it this afternoon... had so many thoughts... but think they're just lost in the vague recesses of my ever-absent memory. thoughts are so fleeting... especially mine... seems like such a pity to spend an entire lifetime in the pursuit of such empty desires, living it like a hollow shell... but then again. it really does depend on a personal attempt to try and change it, to make choices that would make life how they want it to be. seems like more often than not people would rather not. or just couldn't bother. i guess some people would prefer to just stop living, then there wouldn't be the question of living an empty life, if they were just not living anymore would there? i suppose its possible. its just rather pointless as well, in my opinion, they don't only hurt themselves by doing it, they hurt others more, those who care about them. granted, no one asked for my opinion, but i'm basically just rambling to myself, so there it is.
school is vaguely bearable now, tho i still tend to fall asleep in classes sometimes. a lot less than the amount i slept in class when we first came back from south africa anyway. speaking of south africa... i'm down to the seventh and last malaria pill, which is sitting innocuously on my table. its been so long... yet the memory is still fresh. nvm. shall not think about it. hmm. i haven't got and will not get what i currently want, because in the first place i don't even really know what i currently want, and therefore i can't realise that it was not what i wanted at all. i guess people just have to figure it out when it happens. perhaps you can't really know what you really want until you have it, or experienced it before. perhaps. i really don't know. i think i think too much sometimes... so out of point.
hmm. people think i'm ditzy... i think i might really be truly so. life is too complicated. so much simpler to just not think and enjoy life in whatever way you want to. and in any case the way i'm bumbling into rooms, dropping things as i go along, with absolutely zero amounts of grace... er... well. i think its more than ditzy. more like... i don't know. sometimes i wish i were more observant. and understanding of people's feelings. i'd like to think i can tell how people are feeling sometimes, but i think i couldn't be further from the truth. too clueless sometimes. i want to know, want to help, want to talk... but don't know how. really don't. there's so many things i just don't know how to do. well i have to do something about it... can't just sit around here and whine about how i don't know anything. darn. and just realised that i'm whining. abit cranky methinks... okay shall shuttup now.
:9:44 PM: :sugah~plum
anti-climax.
my comp broke down right in the middle of me happily sobbing at someone's blog entry. how amusing. something else amusing? i almost put a bowl on a hanger. well i didn't intend to, but i was holding it and walking to the place with hangers without thinking. and a few weeks ago i left my highlighters in the microwave by accident. luckily it wasn't on hmm. yes go figure... i think i shouldn't be allowed anywhere alone. its not safe. but back to the point. was and still am reading a blog now, and i kinda realise that i never really know some people well enough. and blogs actually do help to get to know people better, well if they really write what they feel. i don't really mention very personal things here, so i don't know how mine seems like, but reading others... its enough to make me cry. yes i know i seem to do that a lot, but i'm too damn emotional for my own good and i just can't help it. i empathise. a lot. and i just can't understand why people do the things they do sometimes. is it worth it? maybe that's why i cry. everytime i hear about horrible things that people do, to others, and especially to themselves. like the hurt isn't enough already, why add to it. but then again, i'm one to talk. but i guess i hurt myself in other ways. oh great. my comp just screwed up on me again. impossible to do anything on it nowadays.
if only everyone would tell the truth. i think my brain is really quite screwed up with people telling me different versions of everything. always have been and still is. i guess after some time you just don't know who the hell to believe. damn doesn't that sound familiar... like a certain play. right. but then again one person's perspective of the same truth may differ from someone else's perception. because truth changes... doesn't it? add opinion, dust on perspective and viewpoint, voila! its something else. bloody hell life is just so damn painful sometimes. actually i was quite happy this morning, had a pretty good weekend away from stress and studying and was just enjoying myself. but well things just don't last very long i guess. i could just go back to being happy tomorrow. seems like its difficult to be happy at night. and also because i'm reading depressing things. i think relationships are very difficult. maybe that's why i'm not in one. for one, i don't believe in having short-lived relationships which are not true and not passionate and not about really loving and caring for each other. the last time, the only time i was in one, i think i got scared. and ran away. yeap. i was young. still am, but perhaps not as naive as i used to be. maybe not even perhaps... definitely. i hope that i'm more mature now, though i still do the stupidest things.
i wonder if ignorance really is bliss. i'm always so totally oblivious to things that are happening around me until i'm alerted of it. well not always, sometimes it is rather obvious, but other than that people do hide it very well. maybe its not a conscious act, but people just keep it in. i do that sometimes... but i think keeping up a facade is really too damn tiring. and i just don't bother anymore. i rather be happy when i really am happy. i think i think too much. maybe that's why i act, and dance. takes a lot of concentration and clears my mind to some extent. definitely in some ways, its escapism. good for me i guess. mmm. i think my train of thought just went down another railroad. sometimes i wonder, why do people have this need to compare? who's got more material things, who's happier, who's more depressed, who's had a more painful past. what the hell what's the point? so many things are just so damn tiring. i think its tiring even to be depressed. in fact there just isn't any point. do people judge other people after reading their blogs? i don't. not really anyway. i don't think its representive enough of a person's real character or feelings. i think that has to be understood in time and proximity. hell but i think other people do judge after reading. i get this inkling that some people have judged me based on mine. well i don't know, and i don't care. its not worth it. i don't even understand myself much anyway.
i guess this entry sounds kinda depressive. but contrary to what it seems... i'm not depressed. not at all. i think i'm coming to terms with my life, and with life, basically. i'm tired yes, i'm stressed yes, i'm lonely yes, but that's okay. because its part of life really. can't be happy all the time, it can't be healthy anyway. as long as i still have some friends with me, i'll be perfectly fine. haha well i could be happy because i've finished all the pressing and owed hwk for now, and also coz i missed a lot of tiring lessons today. well i know it isn't the end of it, i'd have to make up for it later on, i've already missed damn a lot of lessons i think. but its okay. i think life is worth the ride.
:11:32 PM: :sugah~plum
mwahahaa. shopping cures all troubles :) well if you buy stuff that is. i love artiris, its got the most gorgeous paintings wheeee. bought a pretty top from there. and i bought a nice new belt too, tho being the idiot that i am, bought it too thick breathwise and it can't fit through my jeans. so smart right -_- and i was trying to buy a belt specifically for that pair of jeans too. sigh haha. i'm like the most absentminded person around man. speaking of absentminded... i can't find my house keys anywhere sigh. looked high and low and upside down but still no sign of them... quite worried about it, but hoping they'll turn up somehow hmm. oh er. wait... they just turned up hahaa *sheepish grin* they were in my schoolbag haha -_- they wouldn't have been there if i hadn't emptied out my pockets for dance the other day heh... but quite alarming that it took me like 3 days to notice they were missing. blur like hell tsk. anyway i'm rather happy now. its so pointless to be depressed sigh. maybe coz its the first time in a long while i've actually had time to go out haha. i need to write my s lit essay tho. er... real soon. hmm but anyway school isn't -that- bad now, tho i still think theatre is preferable. south africa a LOT more preferable. but nvm, school is fine. bearable. i used to think company mattered a lot, and i still do, people make life more interesting. but actually being by myself isn't so bad sometimes... its quite nice and quiet and reflective. but then i never used to think so haha... i like noise and talking to people and stuff like that. but found out recently, alone time is good too nods. still doesn't beat company tho haha. ohwell... think i better plan my essay now, its getting late and i have to write the essay tmr before dance haha.
:11:18 PM: :sugah~plum
haha. i don't know whether to laugh or to cry. i think i'll laugh now, because i'm done crying. its really quite hilarious you know, this whole thing now that i think of it. i mean, hurtful things people say behind your back might initially be well, hurtful, but come to think of it, its really quite ridiculous sometimes because things just get so twisted its funny. but nevermind. as long as some people know what is really happening, that's perfectly fine with me. oops i have an essay to finish hmm. but that's out of point. anyway i know i've been acting very silly recently... and its not really a conscious action. people don't really behave like idiots on purpose right? er no don't answer that. i'm saying that i don't. hrmpf. sometimes things are just so subjective and so difficult to define, or to understand. i'd like to think that i can take things easy most of the time, i mean relax la right, nothing is ever that serious. unless its well, something -really- serious. haha. anyway i've got to finish my essay argh! i hate that my life is controlled by school work. how irritating. nvm... still abit tickled haha.
anyway i think i might be incapable of love. i'm too immature, too emotional and too... how to say it, easily swayed? i mean its very easy to like someone, but impossibly hard to actually love a person i think. and crushes come and go, friends are more lasting. that's what i've always believed in. but of course i still occasionally long for love. i suppose love might be enduring too, but its this concept or this fragile thing which not many people can grasp or comprehend. i think i'm one of the many. at least at the moment. in fact i think i don't treat my parents with the love they deserve, and still being stupid and irritating albeit slightly more sensible than before to them. i suppose when i'm older or more sensible perhaps it may come to me. but then again i don't think i could ever be proper or sensible, in some ways i think i'll always be wild, yet restrained by invisible bonds as well. i do the most ridiculous things sometimes, and don't really realise it until i look at it in retrospect. but i think i do learn from these mistakes or misunderstandings sometimes, and from them i glean some form of understanding and corny as it sounds, enlightenment. sometimes it makes me more mature, sometimes it doesn't.
but its good anyway. bad things that happen aren't always bad. i think people emerge as better persons through adversity, and with stronger bonds too. and people, some people at least, learn from mistakes, and can understand truths better. i think i'm happily amused now because its better to clear things up in the open. its always better when people say what they feel, or to actually communicate about things that are bothering them. its difficult yes, but its... for lack of a better word... better -_- i think i need to brush up on my vocab. but heck... just because my english is bad... anyway, its good (not my english). hmm. back to my essay sigh, its due tmr.
:11:06 PM: :sugah~plum
this is sick... i'm relatively happy again. partly due to today's performance, partly due to ben and jerry's ice cream and other stuff la. and for the record, ben and jerry's is sooooo damn good. even plain chocolate can be great. heavenly. yes erm. seems like my life is centering around chocolate haha ooops. no wonder i weigh so much hmm. nvm shhh. haha. but seriously someone should start a ben and jerry's ice cream parlour franchise... think it'll be damn popular. hmm. anyway... i didn't mean for friday's post to be up... thought it got lost when the comp hung hmm. but since its up... then it shld just stay there right? yeah i suppose so. but still hmm, its strange having 2 whiny posts 2 nights in a row. shudder. well nvm... the whining is over. sort of. heh dunno how i can go back to school after all this... south africa, midsummers... its like all the time spent doing drama, away from school and hwk, and all the fun times... suddenly back to work, its kind of difficult to adjust. but sigh, that's life right. haha... how odd that i'm awake and posting at 4am in the morning. seems like i haven't done that for ages... don't think i have actually. always asleep tsk. ohwell stayed at raeza's house til like 3, we spent quite a lot of time dancing all the past dances again haha. no idea why, quite insane actually, but insanely fun also la haha. i guess we always miss things after they're gone. ohwell have to finish my s geog essay and hopefully most of the econs tmr. there's like so many gp tests next week arghs, and econs make up lect etc too. so tiring. ohwell... hope everyone enjoyed midsummers... was pretty fun. i think i'll miss theatre... the theatre... when its over. and in some ways, it already is.
:3:47 AM: :sugah~plum
i wonder if depression can cause nosebleeds. or maybe its the late nights. my stupid nose wouldn't stop bleeding for 2 nights in a row already. wonder if tmr will top that. and that was one of the most gross tasting ice cream i've ever eaten. sigh. whine whine whine. enough of a warning to stop reading now unless whining can be tolerated? yup. i think... that i'm a loser. contrary to popular belief, i think inherently i am one. because a loser might be someone who has very few good friends, don't belong to any particular tight-knit community, likes people who never like them back, don't perform extremely well in a particular field, makes lots of bad choices and to top it all up, is ugly too. yup i think i fit the bill perfectly. shall have another ice cream... oh yes did i mention fat too? vicious cycle. i know i'm just being silly. but sometimes i just feel this way. not asking people to go oh you're not this that blahblahblah. because i do know that i really am such and no point arguing with me. i like to think i can be objective sometimes. but then again i'm still human. and human beings can't really be objective sometimes when it concerns emotions right. i have no idea what i'm muttering on about. just rambling. damn i need a hot shower. actually i'm not even feeling depressed now. just feeling sleepy and stoned. maybe the ice cream put some sugar in my blood or smth. really was feeling quite crappy just now though. maybe a few smses helped too... with the sugar. ugh my blueblacks are getting huge and ugly... nowhere as huge as joanna's tho. and i have no clue how on earth am i gonna finish all my work by monday and tuesday... so not possible. what is the point in doing anything anyway? i think the bell jar is getting to me, especially since i can identify with what the protagonist is feeling. what a depressing book.
:1:03 AM: :sugah~plum
i think there's something ironic in the way my shiny painted nails are holding a tissue to my nose which refuses to stop bleeding while i sit forlornly waiting for the blood to go away. wanted to remove makeup and shower but the nose stopped all that. i feel kinda terrible. and warning to anyone who cannot stand whining, i am about to do just that, but only for a bit, because i don't think whining is a very good thing to do. but catharsis is needed. i think i'm losing focus... and my growing blueblacks kinda hurt. really am trying to give my all, and listening to the progress of the play except for some breaks while i rest and chat a bit. but still not totally focused. my mind is going to pieces. i'm having trouble finding the point in doing things, and sometimes i just do everything anyway and maybe its too much. i dunno. i suppose i lack dedication and motivation. or justification... committment... what you will. yes i do lack a lot of things. but well... should definitely stop whining.
oh man so sleepy i feel like just flopping into bed like that... but damn, still have to shower and msg people bout line-in stuff. like they'd check their phones that late at night anyway. okay brain really is not here now... nvm. pointless rambling post. need to shower now.
:1:47 AM: :sugah~plum