you know... i actually like math. wouldn't half mind burying my problems in math. but then again that in itself might be a problem. because math is a problem. and just because i like it doesn't mean it likes me. because i think i'm gonna fail math prelims. in fact it's almost a certainty. ohwell. too bad... i guess i will just have to do more math before the 'A's... and uh, my tutorials too hmm. exams are long and tiring.
:10:09 PM: :sugah~plum
what are we truly living for?
one of the most beautiful sounds has to be the clear, sweet melody echoing in a completely silent room, plucked out on a harp, each string being like strings of the heart, gently and lovingly stirred into music. the resonant sounds are like a guide to peace, and and end to suffering. i have witnessed great tenacity and strength today, of people long-suffering but never faltering in their faith or positive attitudes. admirable courage in the face of adversity. i suppose sometimes it doesn't matter how long we live but rather how we live it.
two days ago, i finally got the courage and opportunity to say something which i had been feeling horrible about, one of the many wrongs which i had done. by right confessing it should make me feel better, as it relieves the pressure of keeping it untold, and stops impeding the progression of my belief that there should be trust between friends. i have said everything there is to say, and it is close to complete openness. but where there once was trust, i'm not sure if there is now. i'm not sure i still deserve it. saying it has made me feel guilty, and ashamed that i could do such stupid and perhaps even hurtful things. but what's done is done, and people forgive, people forget, people don't forgive, people don't forget, people do stupid things, but amidst this, life goes on. it always does.
so what are we truly living for?
:11:54 PM: :sugah~plum
exams are fun. hm they make me high! hm. its the studying for it which is majorly tiring and non-fun. oh. and the horrible grades too ): well good thing about exams is that there's no lessons, get to go home early and don't have to go on some days even. haha. bad thing is we write until hand pain... and there's not enough time to write -_- almost fell asleep during econs paper today, writing 3 essays in 2hr15mins is really daunting for me, only had like 20 mins left for the last essay. and same for other papers... i seem to need a lot of time to think, and write. ohwell. reckon i need to study harder... and write faster. hope my math still has some hope... really cannot fail math again argh. hm... oh and madam tham told me i look like a harrassed housewife yesterday, how traumatising. really? yikes. that can't be good. anyway... i just read something in the new paper just now which is hilarious beyond hilarious. extremely ludicrous as well! some people are so deluded its funny. i mean praising oneself to the skies is one thing, but proclaiming that other people always praises one to the skies is just too much. its like, trying to sound wonderful under the pretence of being humble. roll eyes. okay that just sounds bitchy... but really, that's not all. but nevermind, i will not get into detail. anyway sometimes its not really the action that's abhorrent but rather the intention behind the action. or something like that. i've learnt that attitude does matter. hmm right now i'm stuck and can't get into the intranet... its quite irritating when i can't remember my passwords or usernames for stuff. sigh less than two weeks to go... push on push on...
:10:36 PM: :sugah~plum
i'm a mess. my room is a mess. i don't know where half my things are. i don't know what to do with my life. i am seriously going to uproot every damn thing in my room and redecorate, rearrange, and organise it after the 'A's. hopefully i don't end up procrastinating again. redoing my room will be the first step to fixing all that is wrong with my life. though some things can't really be fixed. and even though some people can't really see me as a person, i sure as hell want to have a room which is fit for one to live in. hmm. it doesn't make sense does it? i shouldn't be proclaiming my messiness and ridiculous failings on the world wide web for all to read. and at six days before prelims too. doesn't really matter though right, not like there's a lot of people reading this, and not like people can like me any less then they currently do. and anyway, how much do people really know about me anyway? life is so full of hi-bye friends... people whom you don't really know truly or deeply, but whom you just know. how can anyone really claim to understand another person, without going through either time, deep shared experiences or tribulations with them? or at least having some form of communication not merely on a superficial level? i guess real friends are few and far between, and to have one or two should be considered lucky already. pity we all couldn't try to communicate more though. and perhaps be more open to others and not be so concerned with the petty things in life? i don't profess to know. but i really don't think understanding someone is only knowing what they like or don't like, or where they live or whatever. perhaps knowing how they tick? or how they feel? how they perceive things? sometimes it all boils down to how people click. some people just can, some people just can't. isn't it so? no explanation for it sometimes. but then again there's no explanation for a lot of things in life. not everything can be established by fact.
speaking of fact. it is so reprehensible that fact should be used to suppress the imagination and creativity of a young child. i can really feel for the characters in Hard Times... Stephen Blackpool, trapped in a miserable situation he is unable to get out off, and the sweet, long-suffering Rachael he loves is willing to take care of him and his wastrel wife, being so compassionate and filling him with kindness as well. why kind people should suffer is really beyond me... in my opinion Stephen should just take Rachael and run far away from the suffocating fires of Coketown and his ungrateful wife, 'a creature so foul'. but Rachael being so good, cannot do so, and there is also always the ominous threat of the law to punish them for their "crime". what "crime", i ask, is it for two people to be happy and away from the oppressive lives they lead, constrained by the inflexible laws and 'melancholy madness'. madness indeed. and Louisa Gradgrind... what a great pity. a pretty young girl with the potential for imagination and life, but strongly suppressed by a father so taken with Fact, so much so that he is blinded by it and cannot see how his daughter is suffering and instead is proud of her being so perfectly molded into a creature of Fact.
sigh. when will people ever learn? i know they aren't real people, and i know that what is right or wrong is subjective, but really. what is the whole point of being trapped in such misery? what is the point of subjecting others to it? even though they aren't real people, the book can serve as some sort of criticism of industrialisation, of stupid laws, of the system, of the inflexible pursuit of fact. Gradgrind does realise in the end that Fact is not actually everything, but pales in comparison to 'Faith, Hope and Charity'. i guess that is some sort of compensatory element to reading this absolutely depressing novel. and Sissy too, is a compensatory element. well. since i'm not studying and trying to find some reprieve online instead, i might as well try to incoporate some elements of studying into it.
"But, happy Sissy's happy children loving her; all children loving her; she, grown learned in childish lore; thinking no innocent and pretty fancy ever to be despised; trying hard to know her humbler fellow-creatures, and to beautify their lives of machinery and reality with those imaginative graces and delights, without which the heart of infancy will wither up, and the sturdiest physical manhood will be morally stark death, and the plainest national prosperity figures can show..." Hard Times, Charles Dickens. hmm. i should stop analysing my text and get down to actually reading it, only nearly halfway through reading it properly rather than in bits. but sigh, it really is such a sad book. i guess we are all luckier than we think we are. but then people are never satisfied are we? we always want something, then when we have it, we want something else more. few people can claim to be completely satisfied with their lives methinks. shucks. i have school tomorrow. and prelims in six days. shall have to force myself to study and get acquainted with facts. it'd probably be easier if i were more in the mood for it or happier, but things can't always go the way we want it to, and life has to go on doesn't it. it just has to. time waits for no one. we shouldn't wait 'to see the ashes of our fires turn grey and cold' but rather 'do the little' we can, are 'fit for' in this short life, and the little we 'hope to do in it'.
:11:10 PM: :sugah~plum
what can i say? i'm bored. tired. cold. lonely. grumpy. whiny. at the moment. so guess i won't be blogging much tonight. not like it matters anyway. also still abit sad about the topshop top i like. can't believe its gone. bored out of my brains now. and very very grumpy. for reasons i shall not say because they are too inane to even say. rather weird. maybe i'm pms-al. wouldn't put it past that. and a person who can likely cheer me up is ignoring me. but then someone else is fine with me bitching and whining to him. so i guess i'll just go do just that. perhaps i'll feel better. i'm a sad whiny shit aren't i?
She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5
Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Yeah
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Try so hard to say goodbye
great song.
:12:13 AM: :sugah~plum