suddenly, i have so much to say that i don't know where to start.
one month ago, the day our life together ended and our separate lives started, the day i last saw you, standing at the bus stop watching me leave, the day i cried as i never cried before, the day i discovered how true my friends really were, and the day i stopped relying entirely on a sole, single individual. i started talking to people more. i started to blog more. i started to think more. i started to be completely carefree. ...with you i lost myself, without you i found myself... i'm not saying i didn't enjoy losing myself to our love, losing myself in our little world where everthing revolved around the two of us. it was nice when it lasted. but now i know, that that isn't reality. and i know too that if it had gone on we would have been lying to ourselves. i guess i'm just marking this first month on my own... with some thought to this.
i've noticed the state of my blog. it's always been an outlet for me. when i think too much and have nowhere to put the words, i come here. i hardly blogged when i was with him. i think its a double-edged sword. i mean, why blog when you have other better things to do? places to go, and things to do. but i think i stopped thinking about life, and about other things. i think a lot when i read. and i started reading again. i cry when i read novels about oppression. and i cry when i read novels about rising above oppression. oppression in any sense. i think i realise many things too, at the time i read these things. the problem is i tend to forget them. like today. reading this book, Breathe, by Anne Sophie Brasme, made me think. hard. and swear that i'll never let obsession take me over. and that i will never sink back into the pits of nearly zero self-esteem ever again.
obsession is scary.
"I wouldn't know how to define obsession. I think you just have it inside you. It can be sparked by the slightest thing. It creeps into you, it slowly attacks every part of your being. It is cunning and manipulative, it passes itself off as your friend but never fails to betray you. Suffering is merely a side-effect. When you go mad you don't notice because it doesn't hurt. The most painful part is when the madness is over."
if your self-esteem is too low, it could make you depressed and obsessed. if your self-esteem is too high, it could possibly make you manipulative and cruel. even worse when the former latches on to the latter as a form of a validation for existence, for a reason to live and a conduit to give meaning to her own life, that the tipping of the scales from normal to tragic happens. that's what the story was about. and it was sad. sad how easily emotions could be broken, how easily someone could become obsessed, become depressed, and so entirely reliant on someone that it becomes the very reason for their existence. even more tragically when the person takes the opportunity to manipulate, use, abuse and control the person dependent on them simply because they know they have the power.
"Obsession is smart: it targets those anonymous faces who look as though they haven't the slightest worry."
be careful before telling a suicidal person to go away and get a life because you don't care. they might stop harbouring notions to kill themselves, but they might kill you instead. and that's freaking hell scary.
i don't believe in such extremes, either way. i highly doubt i'd ever want to kill myself or anyone else... i just can't envision it. charlene was weak, and sarah knew it. but it didn't give her the right to abuse and manipulate that weakness. in killing her, charlene too was weak. she could have escaped the obsession and the depression, but she didn't. but maybe some people just can't snap out of it. so horribly trapped in madness and despair that they can't get out. maybe others can never truly understand those who are mentally tormented, by memories of war, by obsession, by something unfathomable to us who haven't had something horrible happen to us before. or maybe the others who can't understand are those who have picked themselves up and survived the trauma.
but i think, that all people really want is a little attention. some people more than others of course, but i believe everyone wants some. attention is a validation of one's existence. i'm definitely not on the same wavelength as a hermit or something, though i do believe that being alone sometimes is good for you, to think and reflect and to relax and enjoy some peace. but i think people do need some kind of interaction with other people. we seek to be liked, to be admired, to be approved of. and i guess sometimes its hard to like people who behave in certain ways, and it's probably true that some people don't deserve attention, but they too probably need it and crave it, and so behave in that way. maybe we need to be a bit more sympathetic to people? i don't know... i don't even know if i can do it myself. it would be too optimistic to believe that we all could... if we all did what was supposedly right, the world wouldn't be as screwed up as it is sometimes would it?
but then, i think people have to reach within themselves and find balance and harmony with their own emotions and being before anyone else can help them. it's always important to have your own sense of identity and personality isn't it? i think it is. even if it's not a clear one, even some sense of it is important. maybe that's why love can be dangerous sometimes.
in a sense i think everyone's waiting. every moment of our lives we're waiting. some people wait for something to come along to save them. from their banal, dreary existence. some people wait for a meaning in life. some people wait, simply for someone to be with and do things with. some people wait for good things to happen to them, perhaps some people even wait for bad things to happen to them. whatever it is, we're all waiting. and meanwhile, some people choose to live, and some people choose to exist. everyone's waiting, but not everyone's living. am i living or existing? i think i'm living. and i'm waiting. funny how waiting all our lives doesn't teach us some patience.
:7:52 PM: :sugah~plum
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