Because the sky is so high, and pigs can't fly.
- Funny Boy, Shyam Selvadurai
Euphoria only lasts so long, especially when the reason for it is great but not truly significant and life changing. That usually is the type of euphoria which people have, anyway. Also when something more important happens, the euphoria ceases to exist. It seems that everytime I hurt someone close to me, something inside crumples up and dies.
I get myself into my own messes. I think I have no one to blame except myself, for anything that happens and have happened.
Am I really that two-dimensional, that I can only either be happy or sad?
And I have to remember not to sink into that whirlpool swirling temptingly in front of me. Don't fall off the precipice into possible pain and torment. Don't. Don't believe that the candy-covered, sugar-coated house is there for real, or that it doesn't have a wicked witch who wants to eat little children in it. But then again, I suspect I won't even have a chance to fall.
Again, I feel bad for feeling bad. Because I've got no right to.
But I believe it'll be fine in the end. Because I usually do believe in the things that are good and wonderful and beautiful, so I guess I believe in hope and happiness prevailing, though reality strives really hard to dispell this belief.
And well, there aren't really many good reasons for things happening. Because the sky is so high, and pigs can't fly.
:5:10 AM: :sugah~plum
Euphoria... shaken and stirred with a little guilt.
I did it again. I just slept through breakfast and lunch and woke up just in time for dinner. Haha. This weekend's been a flurry of Chinese New Year activities, and then some. Friday was mum's side reunion dinner at Hotel Rendezvous, which was quite a blast, we spent the entire time making fun of our cousin who is really quite fun to tease =p Wore a pretty top from Spain that I absolutely adore, and had a great time at Union after that! Pleased. Good day and good food. Still miss my shoes though, but ah well, can't have everything.
being vain with my sis in the car =p
(check out my PRETTY tinkerbell omg omg omg!)
omg we look abit topless here ahahaha
there was a cake for my cousin's and my birthdays! :)
Saturday was the day I literally woke up and went for dinner. Had a super early dinner at 6pm at some traditional teochew restaurant, but happy still, because of nice food! Yay. Went down to Xenbar in Chinatown after that as well; my first time going to Chinatown during Chinese New Year! It was so crowded, people milling about, buying and selling things - omg SO many people la! Was pretty cool, the colours, sights, sounds and festivity. Xenbar was not bad too, albeit a little empty.
New Year itself was a little boring, just doing the usual visiting and stuff. This year seemed a little less exciting than usual haha, no idea why. The night was interesting though, technically went to Zouk, but ended up mostly in Phuture and Velvet instead. Phuture was playing great music last night la, superb. I approve haha, it's not often that there's really good music at clubs. Apparently Andrew Chow was spinning or something. Yay haha. Also had a mini screaming-hugging fest when I ran into dawn, at the bar in Phuture. First time stepping into Velvet too, it's really a pretty nice place. Mmm let's just say it was a great night grin :)
Haha ah well and now got to figure out how to settle my FA homework, Comms presentation and LTB stuff really really soon. Time to snap out of holidaying mode I guess haha, bah! =p
:10:51 PM: :sugah~plum
I'm slightly disturbed and confused.
AND I MISS MY DANCE HEELS OMG I really can't believe my own stupidity and carelessness la SERIOUSLY!! Sigh. The person who found it better return it la omg I'm damn sad =( if I don't get it back by next week I think I'll order a new one sighs... but I want the same colour/design!! Haha going to be a bit silly to order the same one though, in case the old ones really do turn up. Sigh... still hoping and waiting! =( Meanwhile I guess I just have to dance in my normal heels. Ohwell... my own fault. Bahs.
Zzz. Omg LTB is so much damn work la. RAARRHH!
:8:49 AM: :sugah~plum
T'was a great one.
I'm not sure if this was the best birthday I've ever had, but this -definitely- was the most exciting. :) I'm very happy and grateful - I know a lot of people spend their birthdays working, studying, having exams, or even trudging in the rain in Vietnam, so I appreciate all the luck that I was blessed with today to be having a nice, memorable 20th birthday. Thanks to all my wonderful friends who kept me company, for the nice presents, and thanks to everyone else for all the well wishes. Salsa was really cool too, there happened to be a huge party on this day, and I sure danced lots and lots. Even managed to come in third with jared for best dressed ahaha, imagine that.
Very tired now though, and got to do FA. -_- Ouch haha but ohwell, back to reality la =p AND I AM VERY PLEASED WITH MY NAILS ahhaahaahaha yay! Pictures later ;p
-----------------------------------------------------
Haha... in continuation, its... Tuesday now and opps da's beat me to posting about my birthday ahaha. Well, she has all the pics anyway =p so here's just one...
group shot - my great friends :)
What a pity though, both the pretty clothes they got me are like one size too big, especially the jacket oh dear :x happens quite often hrm, for the last time, I'm not that fat! =p But thank youuu anyway it still looks nice abit loose la :) Haha okay anyway enough about my birthday =p hahaha very pleased again today, finally wearing my boots to school, and for once its not raining and pouring torrentially, yay! Was so tired yesterday though, I actually fell asleep while watching the VS fashion show (omg the models are so freaking hot la and their SHOES are so GORGEOUS and the lingerie is just TO-DIE-FOR omgomgomg.), and then slept through the entire show, and was too tired to come online even la. Haha. In stats now; school is getting tiring and the workload is increasing sighs, and we're never gonna finish our bgs la. Stats is really quite.... dry and seems to be a repeat of JC 'C' Maths. Gaaaaahhh!
:3:09 AM: :sugah~plum
It's funny...
how people can be so stupid sometimes. So cruel, evil and unsympathetic. Just because people have ill-treated you, does not mean that you should or have the right to mistreat others, or even the general populace of people who have done you wrong. I do understand, how such a desperate situation could arise. Years of repressed hatred, of being treated like dirt... Well I didn't say the perpetrators of such treatment aren't at fault either.
Haha okay I wrote that yesterday actually, right after watching Hotel Rwanda. In a much better mood now, but my thoughts on the movie haven't changed. It just further reinforces what a character in the show said, that people watch the news, the killings, the massacre, and they just say 'oh that's terrible', and go back to their dinner. But what's more terrible than the mindless, senseless killings, is the horrifying lack of sympathy or action on the part of the people who have the power to help and yet just stand by, watching. It's kind of disgusting, I'm even disgusted at myself, simply for being so lucky not to be there or that I don't live in such a place with that kind of strife, that I'm having such a good life compared to those people. But I still like that kind of movies, because of the good things that do come out of such situations (yes, there actually are), the bonding between people who otherwise would never have crossed paths, the strength and light of some people's characters, the kindness extended when it could hardly be afforded, and the happiness and relief and gratitute at surviving it, treasuring everything all the more. Sometimes I do wish there didn't have to be so much pain and hatred and all that though, because even the compensatory elements that arise from it are really not worth all the deaths and the hurt suffered. But then again, that's life, isn't it.
Watched as well, the sneak previews of Memoirs of a Geisha, last night. A pretty long movie, by the time it ended it was like 3am already. And went to Geylang for the first time in my life!... for frog porridge omg it's damn nice :) yes, also first time eating frog porridge (and YES I AM Singaporean -_-), and I think its damn nice! Why do they only sell it in Geylang?! Sniff. Okay nevermind that's besides the point haha... the movie was good! It's actually one of the book-turned-movies that, in my opinion, sufficiently does justice to the book. A lot of book-turned-movies are very untrue to the vision of the book, or cut so much that the plot becomes so thin and not adequately fleshed out. Read the book, but pretty long ago and could only remember bits of it, but the movie unfolded the story beautifully, making me remember the intricate story of the geishas. The only quibbles I have with the movie is the rather bad narrating and that it got kind of draggy at times, and that the main actresses were mostly chinese (?!). I do admit that the chinese actresses chosen have great acting skills, and speak fairly decent English; but Michelle Yeoh looks nothing like a Japanese la seriously -_- But other than that, it's really pretty good. Well maybe because I love the story, but well, you decide when you do watch it.
Haha. I can't believe I slept so much after that la. After eating, fell dead asleep in the car on the way back, and got home and promptly fell asleep again, and upon awaking went for lunch at my grandma's house, slept in the car on the way back, and once again promptly fell asleep when I reached home, awoke for dinner, and here I am now. Anyone see a trend there?! Terrible la hahahaa. But well I did spend most of my Saturday in school! Maybe going to early morning class on Saturday and listening to a bunch of brainless stuff was a big mistake. The only saving grace of the day part of Saturday was the movie la, seriously. And the company. Oh well... what a rather boring weekend, except for the good movies. Didn't even go to Union on Friday night la haha, HRC on Thurs was pretty good though! And so were the Tuesday classes :) Hopefully this week will be good too, but the amount of work lined up is so frightful!
"The heart dies a slow death, shedding each hope like leaves, until one day there are none. No hopes, none remain. It is not for a geisha to want, or to feel."
Shan'er cab over with chocolates now!! *whine*
:1:08 AM: :sugah~plum
HAHAHA happy (: great dancing tonight!!
:2:19 AM: :sugah~plum
As of now, I am done with it. Everything.
I've deleted something that not ought to have existed in the first place.
I've said everything logical and what I think is helpful that I could have said, I think.
And I'm sorry for hurting you, it upsets me too as well, but I shouldn't have to feel bad for feeling bad at times because of some things you say, or for having reacted that way to certain things I saw and knew, long ago.
Well whatever it is, it doesn't matter now, at least it shouldn't, not for me, because there really isn't even anything to matter about. Not anymore. The other things, give it some time.
Good luck. And I still love you my dear, you know it.
...
And I'm sick again la, WTH. Mind my health indeed. 5 weeks and counting.
:3:52 PM: :sugah~plum
A lark singing in the red-hued sunset
Rather amused about some things, yet slightly disturbed by some. Thursday was a long and trying day, but ending with some fun and amusement. Had an awful scare in the morning with a terrible dizzy spell coupled with temporary paralysis of the limbs, which I'm now convinced is nothing, just due to tiredness, sickness and lack of sleep. Was quite worried for a while there because it never happened before la haha. Had a looonnnngg day in school, then went to catch Merchant of Venice, which was pretty good actually, like the black and the rock music. Jared's interval line was freaking hilarious too hahaha... and Lancelot again it seems, how amusing. Audrey looked rather fetching in her outfit as well. Though the problem with it was that it was so DAMN long! Seems like AC plays are getting longer and longer la... stamina training huh haha. Was really late in meeting chiew -_- but we ended up going MoS anyway haha because well, we were there already anyway.
The night started out rather dull - the dance floor pretty empty, and the crowd seemingly not very happening. Ended up walking around the rooms, sitting around and having a few drinks, and trying to dance while avoiding strange people who were trying to dance with us O_O Haha but by some strange coincidence, we got pulled into (literally) a group of people dancing, who turned out to be rather fun company haha. And discovered TWO of my uhm, seniors, in more than one way, one guy previously from ACJC and my ex-schoolmate's brother, and another guy who used to be from AH and drama in AC la plus now in SMU, senior in 4 ways wow O_O yeah so it did turn out pretty fun in the end la actually, haha. Unfortunately ended up getting home at the time kids start going to school; imagine my horror when I saw this uniformed kid walking out of my condo when I got back la, omg. By that time was quite dead already la haha and ended up feeling dead for like the whole of yesterday =p was totally zoned out at Union haha, maybe I shouldn't have gone haha but ah well... even a little practice and dancing is still good la I guess.
Did have something great to perk me up yesterday though, I watched HONEY!!! Like, 3 times. Haha. She dances so well, oh god. It's like, after watching it I feel like I'm a 5 tonne elephant who cannot so much as move to the music (which incidentally jinx would probably agree with, right? =p), and feel inspired to go to the gym everyday and do situps or something :x Oh her abs! Why is her body so beautiful hahaha and her dancing too swoon, and well, her! Haha. She's amazing. Haha anyway ended up going for a joy-ride yesterday on the way home because of weiming's amusing driving, which entailed driving in various random directions until reaching somewhere familiar, haha. Actually it was rather nice to see weiming again, if only briefly. I'd almost forgotten how nice he is, and how nice to talk to too. Haha but I guess people drift la, ohwell. But was so terribly tired yesterday, reached home and really just CRASHED.... from 4am until 4pm today. Haha.
Glad to finally get some proper sleep - I'm sick of being sick.
:4:25 PM: :sugah~plum
I hate to blog so much, but I'm feeling rather miserable at the moment.
Your email never fails to make me cry.
And so does your letter.
I haven't deleted the messages yet. Perhaps it's time to.
I'm over you, yes I am.
Because I know it couldn't, and wasn't meant to be.
But I think there will always be days when I miss you, and our time together.
Those days will pass.
But today is one of those days.
One and a half years of my life is so not easy to forget.
...resplendent in sweet, simple, but loving times together...
Perhaps I never should have left that day.
But I had to. I had to.
:1:59 AM: :sugah~plum
Touch
A touch
Can be ever so comforting,
A brief brush of the arm,
A brief grasp of the hand.
A hug.
A touch
Can stir the depths inside
Can touch the surface of the soul
Or reveal a multitude of meanings
Obfuscating the line
Between truth and emotion.
A simple touch
Without meaning, love or hate,
Is nothing,
But it is something.
A touch
A caress upon crying eyes,
A whisper to eager ears,
A pressure on tired shoulders,
A kiss on willing lips,
Entwined hands.
Or a slap.
A kick.
A punch.
A symphony of blows to the one
You hate and love the most.
A tense touch
Between strangers
Between friends
Between once strangers, once lovers,
once friends, now distant acquaintances,
Brushing past each other on a street.
A touch
That goes unnoticed
So light yet so strong
So comfortable and easy
So harmonically aligned,
That it is taken for granted.
A touch can make you jealous,
Love,
Fear, hate, cry.
Every touch leaves an imprint on,
Or has a piece of, the heart.
I think I need a hug.
:7:36 PM: :sugah~plum
haha, funny photo.
Quotable quotes:
Howard:
"Gaydom.... I LIKE it!" (the word)
"My juniors got me this t-shirt which says 'I'll never get tired of all the boys staring'" - at which point I say, "Omg I have that t-shirt too!!'
Mel:
"Do you know... there's a teddy bear holiday? You can pay for an air ticket and send your teddy bear overseas and they'll help you take photos of your teddy bear in different places!"
Right after Josh attempts to call me something by spelling it out B-I-M... "Huh? What's going on?"
I'd almost forgotten how funny my ex-classmates are. Miss you guys.
Indignant at some things too, which are really starting to get on my nerves. People should try to be more considerate towards each other, ugh. And other things are pretty damn amusing at the moment, just hoping nothing gets ugly. Ahh life is good - peace mode function is good too, things just bounce riight off.
Added at 5am: I have approximately 67 or 68 pairs of earrings, insane haha.
:2:42 AM: :sugah~plum
Happy New Year everyone! Hugs and kisses all round!
Taking check of 2005:
Many things happened really, the most prominent of which being a 7 month relationship that took up most of the year - which was my first real relationship, and love. Flowers. Princess. Romance. Butterflies. Happiness. Comfort. Some jobs and experiences, waitressing, admin-ing, teaching; learning new skills and things. 'A' level results. Scholarship interviews, applications, the works. A big production, dancing, singing, sewing sequins. Passing my driving the first time round. Starting school at SMU, making new friends. A slightly stressful first term. Quarrels, pain, sadness; oodles of crying. Another guy. Catching up on some great clubbing. Halloween. Taking up salsa and really enjoying it. Real singlehood; finding freedom and some self. Spain. Cute Christmas. Nice little new year celebrations with friends.
Seems like not much happened in 2005, yet at the same time it seems like there was. I think someone (da I think) said something about being 19, that it's the last year of teenhood, the last year you have before entering your twenties, and that it's a strange year. I don't know about that, but I think it's been... an interesting year. I feel quite changed, from before. Just pondered upon today, that there would be a significant difference in how I would react now to certain situations that have happened in the past or to similar ones. And I feel like I have learned a lot this year, although what exactly, I guess I can't really describe. And so, I guess, it's been all in all a good year... except for the last part of the third quarter and the first part of the last quarter. Quite a bit of turmoil, but all's well now, and has been well for quite a while, so I guess the bizarre little hiatus of peace and happiness for the holidays is a good break from the horrid real world, which looks all set to come pouncing back on me in 2006.
Taking check of 2005, I think I haven't made any grave mistakes or committed any grevious wrongs. I've been more or less true to myself. I won't make any new year resolutions because I believe in letting things take their course and being flexible to change and adapt when situations call for it.
So here's to a better 2006.
Love you all, take care!
:6:12 AM: :sugah~plum