I'm not random, I just have many thoughts.
Things are much less often about ourselves than we'd like to think. And sometimes, for the things which are important, we wish they were, but life is such that we can't really get everything we want. I believe that it just means we have to try harder and perserve through the obstacles and failures, so that when you do get it, it's that much sweeter. But sometimes we tire, and well.... just want to give up.
Maybe the stars are laughing at us now, us and our very human foibles.
My next birthday is soon approaching, yet it feels as if the last one just passed. And nothing has really changed. Perhaps age really does catch up with us faster than we think it really does. I'm just afraid of being one of those people who never really find out what they want in life even when they're already 40. But I guess that's for another day to worry about.
Today, I shall worry about something else.
Some things can't really be avoided. But we learn how to deal.
I miss my long, soft hair, which used to brush my arms and back. It was kind of comforting.
And, never make the mistake of thinking they actually care.
Don't worry about me. I'm not depressed; just pensive, maybe, and a little jaded.
Listening to "I See You, You See Me" by The Magic Numbers.
:11:00 PM: :sugah~plum
This afternoon, I was going to blog, 'take heart in small mercies/pleasures'.
Now, I just think, 'life sucks'.
:12:06 AM: :sugah~plum
Fire.
You know, sometimes you don't really know what you want until it shows up and hits you on the head, or until someone eloquent or expressive puts it into words for you. Because a feeling is difficult to express in just mere words, at least, for me. Some people are able to do it though, and it is this type of writing I enjoy reading - writing which portrays feelings almost true to its form, making an intangible a bit more tangible for those who are less creative or expressive.
Random ramblings. Was so stoned last night during the last leg of IE meeting that I think I really ended up rambling at the end. Have super a lot of work to do; I think those people taking 5 mods are even worse off, so I shall not complain. Just... can't wait for this to be over. And oh man bidding could not have come at a WORSE time. So super annoying, seriously. Can't even think properly about what courses I need to take or not take for next term because there just isn't much time. But ah well nevermind. Hopefully it'll somehow work itself out.
And I better get around to studying for stupid quizzes if I don't want my GPA to end up super shack this term. Kthxbye.
:11:51 AM: :sugah~plum
The Heart of the Matter.
And I just remembered, why I like Grey's Anatomy so much. Season 4 is really not as bad as I expected. Haha. Good on them.
"I say things like that and you fight the urge to run in the opposite direction. It's okay, I understand. I didn't, but now I do, I do. You're just getting started and I've been doing this for a long time now. Deep down, you're still an intern, and you're not ready."
They really capture many real emotions and situations. Sometimes unrealistic, but still true. Haha. And I really should get back to work.
Hurry make more Heroes and Grey's!
:1:41 PM: :sugah~plum
Lost another piece.
It always boils down to the core of it; whether there is enough. Love, determination, courage, faith, hope, and the like, to do things which are difficult. Difficult, but important, and which really means something to you. But in a game where there are two players, there usually needs to be equal or at least not overly disporportionate amounts given by them to overcome the sometimes, insurmountable obstacles, to make something work. If there isn't, one simply has to give more than the other. And if the one who gives more never tires or it, or the one who gives less doesn't feel bad about it, then maybe, it might work. But the former usually tires, and the latter usually feels guilty. And then all things come crashing down.
And the funny thing is, I'm almost always the former. Not counting things which never reached a more developed state, but for those... it seems to me like I am always foolishly the one willing to give. But as I'm sure I have said before, I am very simple; if I like someone enough, I will be willing to give wholeheartedly, and I only expect the very basic fundamental things in return, and anything more, might be hoped somewhere deep inside, for the future, but never expected of. And for people who mean enough, I will wait. Despite tears or pain, I will endure them.
It makes little sense to me, that despite of, and maybe even because of this, I am shunned. It makes me tempted to come to a conclusion that if you are nice to people, give in to them, they won't like you, and will either take you for granted, or feel pressured to give the same in return, which, I know, is not possible for some people, and I never felt like I needed to have the same. Or maybe, they just feel unhappy to not be able to give me what I hope to have, and more often then not, I think they have been pushed away by this. And it strikes me as terribly ironic, that I drive people away by caring too much.
Should I be taking that as a lesson to stop caring so much, to stop thinking about people who really mean something to me and to stop trying to be nice to them? Or maybe I'm always just picking the wrong guys. We're too different... I've heard this more than once before; when it actually really means, We're too different, and I just don't like you enough to make it work.
But I suppose, to quote something from Postsecret;
"Better to be rejected for who you are, than accepted for who you aren't."
And I guess, I just have to wait for someone who can accept me for who I am; however flawed, stupid, and emotional I am.
:1:40 PM: :sugah~plum