and i just lost my entire post. my entire post that i wrote with all my feelings, and heart thrown into it. why is it getting from bad to worse? i just wanted to vent my feelings and the whole thing just disappeared. i already feel bad enough, must i retype everything? no i won't. you can't repeat your emotions. what you may feel at one point may be different from what you feel at another point. but i really want them to understand. i don't want to get other people in trouble just because of my problems. but it seems like i may have. i don't know how i'm going to talk to them. i managed to work up the courage to talk to them just now. but he was sleeping. my fault. making them worry and lose sleep over me. i don't blame them for not understanding. i can't expect them to be on the same wavelength as me. they only want what's best for me. but what they think is best for me may not be. they want me to excel in my studies. i try. but that doesn't equate to having no life. i'm young for goodness sake. i just want to enjoy my youth while it lasts. it will leave me soon, i know. i don't want to look back when i'm old and regret. the things i did or did not do. i may have done a lot of things that are cause for regret. but its over, and done. sometimes the more strict parents are the more rebellious the kids are. what is unattainable always looks so appealing.
i don't want to do that. i don't want to do things i'd regret partly to defy them. i don't want to keep lying to them. i am going to talk to them. tell them where i'm coming from. why my friends are -not- a bad influence but instead a great help. imagine if i had gone alone. that would have been much worse. whether or not they'd wanted to go, i already did. i mean i bought the ticket even before da and the rest did. so how can they say that she's a bad influence on me. i'm far far worse than her. and its me. this is who i am. if people can't accept it, then so be it. i can't change my personality for people, and i can't change where i feel at home at. and i felt happy last night. the wholesome stuff is just not my thing. doesn't mean because i like those kind of things mean i'm a bad person. i don't think i'm that bad a person. although i know i'm bad in that decadent way, i'm not mean to others. at least i try not to.
and most decisions i make, the important ones at least, are independant of what others think. though they always think its 'the influence of my friends'. they're just looking for someone to blame aren't they. can't believe that their daughter is so... incorrigible. it has to be other people. but its not. maybe some people were the catalyst, but they did not take part in the reaction. its inate. and i have to make them see that. and see that even though i'm fun loving, i can play hard and work hard as well. i did produce results in the big exams so far... i try to really, for their sake and mine. i know they pin most of their hopes on me. its not like i don't have hopes for myself either. i will try to excel as best i can. doesn't mean i have to study 24/7 like they think i should. i can still have a life in the meantime. i know if i do study 24/7 i would do a lot better than what i am doing now. but i can't do that. i believe i will burn out. i can't forever be their little girl. i'm growing up... and in some ways too much i think. i also can't be their good girl, always listening to them and doing them proud in every way. i don't profess to be perfect, or even anywhere near there. i just believe that as long as i stay true to myself, and not hurt others, life should be fine. i just hope it will be.
:9:53 PM: :sugah~plum