ahaha. spent today fixing up the class blog coz the template went all screwy. so put in a new one. which i like more than my own now! think it looks prettier. well it does have butterflies :P maybe i'll change this one one day too... when i've got time. haha anyway found back my archives whee... seems to be a pretty long list. yea and about the song... it can be stopped if you find it irritating. just look for the small pause button at the bottom of the page. oh no oh no i've really been neglecting my studying. argh... for some reason i just can't bring myself to study properly. i don't know why... i think i was more focused for term exams even. i mean now even the most slack people are starting to study and are more hardworking than me. and i used to be relatively muggerish too... just don't know what happened to me lately. just can't mug. okay nevermind shall go try to now. maybe i just can't bring myself to force myself to do things i don't want to. i still feel aimless though, don't even know what i'm gonna do with my life. so feels quite pointless to study. i just know i must. and i think that reason just isn't good enough. but push on folks. let's go.
for the record, i like those butterflies.
:10:53 PM: :sugah~plum
sgih... i sluohd be sntiduyg. why am i wsaitng tmie olnine? and dmaint its dman dfilufict to tpye lkie taht. isnated of sntiduyg, i'm hree sndepnig my tmie on cpinoyg out snog lriycs and sircalnbmg lteters. but smoe snogs ralely do rfelcet smoe tinhgs taht i feel and tihnk... and its jsut so unancny. oh forget it its too tiring, i'm too tired. probably going to either go sleep soon or watch tv heh. notice its not go study, i'm so damn slack nowadays i don't know what happened. on the other hand this is probably the only year ever that i've handed up at least 95% of all my homework. contradictory... yes i know that's me. okay this is not too good i seem to be sleeping in my chair right now. just thought that since i haven't blogged for a while i should... oh shit just remembered i have an editorial to write too. think i shall put it off til tmr -_- seriously have no mood to do anything now except slack. or stone. or ponder. along those lines... i like 'my immortal' by evanescence, introduced by brandon, amazing that he likes it and it doesn't contain a hint of drums at all heh. anyway its so poignant and so... accurately reflective of my general mood. not say moody, but its kind of bittersweet... and just so sad at times. ouch. my ulcer hurts i can't eat, sing or smile properly. sometimes i think i'm a paradox. i can feel too much and nothing at all. very strange. like sometimes if i read war books... like journey's end, i can actually cry and weep for the suffering of the characters. but then again sometimes it just doesn't bother me. and it does bother me that sometimes it doesn't bother me. i don't want to be desensitized. not that i want to be over sensitive or anything, but i still want to retain my own level of emotions and sensitivity not changed too much by society or media or stuff. well but change is inevitable so what the hell am i going on about anyway. ugh there's no spacing in this entry... too tired to space even. damn promos are coming and i really really need to study. in times like these self control would really come in handy. spend a lot of time nowadays playing cards heh oops :p unfortunately i never had self control and probably never will. well looking at it another way it could be said that its good because i can live life the way i want it. maybe, maybe not. i'm still bound by certain restrictions. though i like what marilyn manson said in 'bowling for columbine'. something like "people are afraid of me because i represent what they fear. i do what i like, wear what i like" etc basically act the way he wants to... and people are afraid doing that. to be themselves and let loose. as long as no harm is done... why not?
:9:56 PM: :sugah~plum
death by mudpie
oh man...i've just realised howw nice the stuff at nydc is. especially the mudpies... considering i haven't had one there since umm 3 years back i think, my memory definitely needed refreshing. yes i think it definitely helped. swoon. niiiice... good food good service... rox. argh i should be studying. haven't seriously started studying, horrible slacker i am. bleh. must. mug. tho getting abit swamped with cca, and it'll get full blown after promos. guess there's no holidays for me! i do want to go ice skating tho -_- hmm anyway... wonder if i should advertise ticket sales here haha? hmm.
hmm... well actually studying in the void deck or in class after sch feels pretty good. there's company and at least i feel like i'm doing some work. today had lotsa stuff to do, tho i ended at 1 left sch at 7 plus. had geog, cca briefings, i have to go for a camp man. also... went to test blood for the bone marrow drive... think its a good program... scared of pain tho haha. but its worth a shot to just try and do something meaningful. anyway i've forgetten what i wanted to write man. so i'll just stop now anyway. heh quote of the day, "Wah lau. Can die. I want to move to your kitchen and live there forever."
:12:20 AM: :sugah~plum
okay i'm very angry... i HATE losing posts, especially when i'm in a bad mood. but anyway there wasn't much point in that post except some swooning over johnny depp and a romantic chinese story from a cantonese article. but anyway... i love pirates of the carribean. johnny depp rocked man, he was so BRILLIANT. so funny, entertaining and just... really interesting. or maybe because i like this kind of fantastical show. hmmm. anyway here's the story... its the same story behind the quote in my last post. ahh the translation already was wonky, so this is the best i can do to make it more coherent. here goes:
Tree
===
The reason I'm called tree is because I'm good at painting trees. Over time I started to use a tree on the right hand corner as a trademark for all my watercolors painting. I have dated 5 girls when I was in Pre-U. There's one girl whom I love a lot but never dared go after. She doesn't have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding charm. She is just a very ordinary girl.
I like her. I really like her. Like her innocence, like her frankness. Like her cuteness, like her intelligence and her fragility. The reason for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not a good match for me. I'm also afraid that after we are together all the good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt her. I felt that if she's my gal, she will be mine ultimately & I don't have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompany me for 3 years. She watch me chase after gals, and I have made her heart cry for 3 years.
She wants to be a good actress and I'm a very demanding director. When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smiled & say "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes was swollen like a walnut. I purposely didn't want to think about what causes her to cry but laughed at her the whole day. When everybody went back home, she was alone crying in the classroom. She didn't know that I returned from soccer training to get something. I watched her cry for an hour or so.
My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she's not the type that will start off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her and her eyes was filled with shock. I didn't care about her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laughed & joked with me like nothing had ever happened. I know that she's very hurt but she didn't know that my heart ache is as bad as hers.
When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I have something to tell her. She told me that coincidentally, she has something to tell me too. I told her about my break up and she told me about her getting together. I know who is the guy. He has been going after her for quite a while. A very cute guy full of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her has been the talk of the school.
I can't show her my heart ache but could only smile & congratulate her. When I reach home, the heart ache is so strong that I couldn't stand it. It's like a heavy weighted stone on my chest. I couldn't breath. Wanted to shout but couldn't. Tears rolled down & I broke down & cried. How many times have I seen her cry for the man that doesn't acknowledge her presence too.
During graduation, I read a sms in my hp. It was sent 10 days ago when I broke down and cry. I haven't read it since then. It says "Leaf's departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay"
Leaf
===
During Pre-U days, I like to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt that for a leaf to leave the tree she has been relying on for so long it takes a lot of courage. During the 3 years of Pre-U I was on very close terms with a guy. Not BGR kind but as buddy kind. But when he had his 1st girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. The sourness in the heart
can't be describe by using a lemon. It's like 100 rotten sour lemons. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 mths. When they broke up, I hid my strong sense of happiness. But after a mth, he got together with another gal.
I like him & I know he likes me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he loves me why doesn't he want to make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. Time after time, my heart was hurt. I begin to suspect that this is a one sided love. If he didn't like he, why did he treat me so well. It's beyond what you would normally do for a friend. Liking a
person is very heart wrenching. I can know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can't expect me as a girl to ask him right?
Despite that, I still want to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him. Hoping that one fine day, he will come & love me. It's like waiting for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I know that no matter how busy he is, he will make time for me. Because of this, I waited for him. The 3 years were the hardest to go through & I really want to give up. Sometimes, I wonder should I continue waiting. The pain and hurt, the dilemma accompanied me for 3 years.
Till the end of my 3rd year, a 2nd year junior began to go after me. Everyday he pursued me relentlessly. From outright rejection to a point in time when I felt that I was willing to let him have a small footing in my heart. He's like a warm & gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf away from the tree. In the end, I realized that I didn't want to give this wind a small footing in
my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered leave far away & better land. Finally I left tree, but the tree only smile & didn't ask me to stay. Leaf's departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay...
Wind
====
Because I like a girl called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree so I have to be a gust of wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was 1 mth after I transfer to the new school. I saw a petite person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends looking at him. When he talks with gals there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit. Just like she likes to look at him.
One day, she didn't appear. I felt something amiss. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave it to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accept the note. The next day, she appeared & pass me a note and left. "Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away."
"It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree." I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me. Within 4 mths, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never gave up. If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope. Hoping that she will agree to me my girlfriend. I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked "what are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?" She said, "I'm nodding my head". "Ah?" I couldn't believe my ears. "I'm nodding my head" She replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rushed to her place & pressed her door bell. During the moment when she opens the door. I hugged her tightly.
Leaf's departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay.
:10:48 PM: :sugah~plum
ahhhhh euphoria and exhilaration in finally being lifted and spun around. the weightlessness and thrill. thank goodness for my new strong partner. you rock :) now hope it'll stay this way and that no one's backs get broken. ooh ouch getting a bit sore though. but whee. fun. and so this marks the last of drama and dance. til the end of promos we meet again.
:11:53 PM: :sugah~plum
tired
hmm my partner can't carry me... don't know if i'm too heavy, he has no strength or we both don't have technique. i think its all of the above. oof... ohwell... that's nothing to tout... baaad thing. bleh i think i have no stamina or something... tiring this is. and so irritating, first time people ask me out... and i'm busy dancing. twice in a row too... but well can't be helped. i do want to dance... so... sacrifices gotta be made. no going out with people you want to go out with... well its not really the going out i miss, its the chances. i don't really like missing chances... because its not like they come by that often. well but i can't do everything... think one day i might discover i'm on cca overkill. making up for 4 years of slacking. hopefully i can manage all 3 of them hmm... well there goes my hols anyway, got something to do everyday and unfortunately its not all studying. got 2 geog tests once school reopens, help. cough. and plagued with this silly persistent cough. hmm... shall end off with this sad but nice quote that i just read in an email. like it a lot. well you gotta read the story behind it to understand it though... but still. its sad la :(
'Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay.'
:12:41 AM: :sugah~plum
guitar and drums.
hmm just went crazy with henna and doodled stuff all over my hand and calf. hee it looks kinda freaky but nvm. hmm seems like i haven't blogged for a long time... no idea why too. well got nothing philosophical, funny or interesting to say perhaps:p hmm promos are coming soon... and i haven't studied. attended two parties in the past 2 days. somemore one of them got nothing to do with me haha so extra right (it was a hist soc party... i take geog :p) so amusing... lotsa dunking taking place but miraculously enough, i didn't get dunked both nights. hmm never got dunked before even... think i'm just lucky or smth:p either that or i don't look like dunking material (?)
you know, just occured to me that some people's blogs... seem to be different from how they seem in real life. or maybe its just that speculative thoughts are placed here instead or something. well just an observation... that people are not what they seem. gotta get to know em better before passing a judgment on how they really are. which makes me seem to think that some people have passed judgment on me without really knowing me. which is a pity sometimes i guess, but if we're not meant to be friends then we're not meant to be. haha my blog is definitely not one of those kinds:p i'm on my blog how i am in real life... most of the time anyway. i converse... with everyone, no one and myself. shucks forgot that word... wanted to say i was umm... umm... great my problem has kicked in again, forgot the word.
mmm... guitar and drums. swoon. after watching freaky friday i was like WOW... damn guitar solos so bloody nice. and then the teacher's day concert... brandon... drums... wow. yes in reverence for all those electric guitar and drum playing people now. probably because i can't play haha. well nevermind i'm relatively content to listen... just makes my day man. downloading nice head bobbing songs now... yum. wish i could like sing or smth... watching those people sing... is also like, wow. but unfortunately... don't have the calibre and i really do tend to go off key a lot, yes as da and mz would say... 'you're off key!' ohwell shall not dwell on that anyway... keep on having sore throat, can't sing anyway. no idea why i keep getting sore throat too... quite irritating.
anyway just discovered that marks and spencers have the nicest body and skin care products swoon. went on a rampage there with brandon yesterday and boy did we swoon. haha bought the hand and nail cream that sulynn has... which is seriously nice. smells good... feels good... yay. and foot scrub... hmm i want the peony spray thingie too shall go get it sometime. seems abit strange tho, its 'body, room and linen' spray. kinda... multipurpose. strange.. but cute. body shop too! yes... but must refrain. still got funny creams and stuff collecting dust somewhere in my room heh. oh and colin farrell has niiiiceee tattoos on niiiiiceee arms sigh. damn nice. i like. i want also... erm well not that kind. big ones would look strange on me i can reckon. yes its addictive... maybe i'll get one on my ankle there, prob not yet tho. ugh. hu bin is so cute. ugh. how come there aren't any singaporean guys who look like them? yes i know i sound bimbotic -_- but well... its true. haha anyway they're just to look at hmm... shrug. i'm bored... better go study soon!
:6:01 PM: :sugah~plum