i am overwhelmed by the compelling need to blog. because i do not want to talk to myself anymore, i shall type it out. type what? i'm not sure, really. which is part of the whole point. i am confused. its weird, so many things seemed to have happened. its only been 4 days, but something somewhere somehow, inexplicably, has changed. for one, three of my very simple fantasies have been fufilled. i am a human, not a toy, and i have simple wishes and wants too, like humans, and when i hurt, i cry, i break and i fall. its not that i become absolutely pathetic and mope around for weeks when i am, but nevertheless i feel it inside. i'm not even saying that i'm hurting very badly right now, but it does, some. what is worse, loneliness or being hurt? i don't know, but to me its the same. they both don't feel very good. the ironic thing is that the former seems to cause the latter, in my case. perhaps loneliness causes me to do weird things that i might not have done if i was feeling normal. but that's irrelevant here yet again.
maybe i'm being taken as a substitute for someone. its not like it hasn't happened before. or maybe it just happened. again its not like it hasn't happened before. the trouble is, because things similar to such has happened before, it might once again, take the same path. which means, it doesn't work out. as usual. i'm tired of things not working out. but i know it can't be rushed or that miraculously it works out. i also know that just because you want something you can't force something to fit into what you want. i don't want to lose another friend because of us trying to do that. maybe because i'm finding it weird, therefore causing the confusion. i mean, it feels alright to me, kind of like its always been this way or something. but it hasn't. we've always just been friends, and then, in just 4 days, or perhaps it might have been longer without me knowing it, the perception of how it is has been royally screwed up. maybe its true, its too fast, which makes it kinda... weird. and confusing. but i seem finally more able to open up, and talk about things that i don't usually tell people. that's a good thing. or maybe i'm just putting myself up for ridicule. but maybe its easier just to not think about it. i mean, there's also no point sensationalising the whole matter. i don't even know why i'm bothering to blog this. nvm... i don't know what's going on.
i can always try to pretend that nothing happened at all. maybe because it was a really long weekend, where i didn't have school or rehearsals and i actually had time to think, or do anything at all. when school and rehearsals start again tomorrow... i can just drown myself in being busy again. maybe its better, because then i don't have to think about anything, but then again, it just makes me more tired, and more lonely. or maybe not. i don't know. but i'm okay. i think.
:10:44 PM: :sugah~plum
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