"Have you ever got everything you ever wanted? And then realized it wasn't what you wanted at all?" Richard Mayhew, Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman
"Can't say that I have."
because i haven't. at least i think i haven't. seems like its in human nature never to be satisfied, after getting what we want, we just want more and more and more. its like this neverending stream of wants. but well that's kinda besides the point really. i guess the point in the statement is basically... what we seem to want might not be what we really want. does that make sense? all the things we mortals seem to seek, good grades. a good job. a true love. money. a good life. or whatever. seems kinda empty sometimes though doesn't it? is that all there is to life? chasing these things? was thinking about it this afternoon... had so many thoughts... but think they're just lost in the vague recesses of my ever-absent memory. thoughts are so fleeting... especially mine... seems like such a pity to spend an entire lifetime in the pursuit of such empty desires, living it like a hollow shell... but then again. it really does depend on a personal attempt to try and change it, to make choices that would make life how they want it to be. seems like more often than not people would rather not. or just couldn't bother. i guess some people would prefer to just stop living, then there wouldn't be the question of living an empty life, if they were just not living anymore would there? i suppose its possible. its just rather pointless as well, in my opinion, they don't only hurt themselves by doing it, they hurt others more, those who care about them. granted, no one asked for my opinion, but i'm basically just rambling to myself, so there it is.
school is vaguely bearable now, tho i still tend to fall asleep in classes sometimes. a lot less than the amount i slept in class when we first came back from south africa anyway. speaking of south africa... i'm down to the seventh and last malaria pill, which is sitting innocuously on my table. its been so long... yet the memory is still fresh. nvm. shall not think about it. hmm. i haven't got and will not get what i currently want, because in the first place i don't even really know what i currently want, and therefore i can't realise that it was not what i wanted at all. i guess people just have to figure it out when it happens. perhaps you can't really know what you really want until you have it, or experienced it before. perhaps. i really don't know. i think i think too much sometimes... so out of point.
hmm. people think i'm ditzy... i think i might really be truly so. life is too complicated. so much simpler to just not think and enjoy life in whatever way you want to. and in any case the way i'm bumbling into rooms, dropping things as i go along, with absolutely zero amounts of grace... er... well. i think its more than ditzy. more like... i don't know. sometimes i wish i were more observant. and understanding of people's feelings. i'd like to think i can tell how people are feeling sometimes, but i think i couldn't be further from the truth. too clueless sometimes. i want to know, want to help, want to talk... but don't know how. really don't. there's so many things i just don't know how to do. well i have to do something about it... can't just sit around here and whine about how i don't know anything. darn. and just realised that i'm whining. abit cranky methinks... okay shall shuttup now.
:9:44 PM: :sugah~plum
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