hm. i should not be blogging now. i should be writing my geog essay. but nevermind. i have another hour plus to kill. seems like i'm spending most of my free time in school now heh. homework and notes requiring my attention, yet i scorn them so. people ask me if i'm okay. sure i'm okay. don't i look alright? sigh. essentially i think i seem perfectly okay, yet it just feels like life itself is eating at me. or eating me up. consuming me. perhaps this is not quite original, and inspired by Fury (okay i have to stop reading all these depressing books, which coincidentally, contain a lot of sad facts about life and the world) because i think i'm starting to agree with them. i hope it doesn't make me screwed up like the characters too. hm. i laugh when i am sad. sometimes. i laugh when i am stressed. sometimes. i laugh when i'm happy. no wonder i look alright all the time haha. i laughed so damn much yesterday. yet i perceive that i am not truly happy. i suppose these things don't really require an outward sign... its the inward nuances which are so intangible that really determine things sometimes isn't it? hm. well not being okay is part of life. and i accept that. it will pass, and it will return again later on. that's life ain't it. no one said it was gonna be smooth sailing all the way. lots of times things just happen for no good reason at all, and that's it, there is just no damn justification and we just gotta accept it for what it is. inexplicable conundrums. not everything in life can be explained can it? well perhaps with the exception of, uh, science. (pardon me if i'm being faculty-ist) ah well. i can't quite explain why i'm feeling somewhat distressed nowadays (or perhaps i could attribute is to pms blink)... but i think some people can guess, and if you can't, just leave it as it is.
okay byebye inner thoughts of michelle and back to thoughts on daily life. i passed my econs test! miracle. i was all prepared to fail haha. still rather prepared to fail my geog test (grimaces at answer script), but who knows. another miracle might happen. well heck, they're only tests. but its nice to know that although i'm way behind and understand close to nothing about all my subjects, i can still seem to keep up the appearance of passing. hm. anyway... how come no one comments? ponder. it would be nice to know what people think, be it bad or good. sigh okay shall train-hop now. syf is looming near and i am rather worried. the run yesterday was generally good on a whole but i think my performance was rather.... off. saturday's was better for me. but well i think i'm a lot better than months ago when i was er, absolutely terrible. can feel something now. and understand more too. but nvm. focus. sigh. and kinda worried for mdm too... she's very overworked and very sick. sigh. ohwell... hope everything will be fine. hm.
ahhh. so purposeless. i have no clue what i want to do with my life. not in the past, not now, and probably not ever. well probably the most pressing question now is what do i want to study in uni and where do i want to go to study it. i really don't know. think i better talk to mr. ngoei about it soon... because this can't really go on for long i suppose. i'd have to decide eventually... er preferably by the end of this decade. its not like i have the option of not going to uni. well that might make me even more purposeless, so i won't even think about it now. in fact now i should go sit down on a nice quiet library table now and do my geog essay. i'm not very good at self-discipline and self-control, but its sure as hell time i tried. heh. oh cool... finally a post that doesn't end off with me being sleepy and falling asleep at the comp. yay.
:3:58 PM: :sugah~plum
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