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Thursday, December 30, 2004

i am in an absolutely, completely, totally, utterly, devastatingly, wretched, wretched mood. damnit.

:1:16 AM: :sugah~plum

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

its not all so simple is it? i fear i might be in possession of a too simplistic view of the world. sure, i know how bad it can get, how cruel and horrible it can be. but for some strange reason, i still simply accept things at face value most of the time and don't bother to guard myself against anything and just leave myself completely open. i suppose in some aspect it could be considered good, not having completely given in to cynicism. never really bothered to get involved in politics too, it doesn't suit me as most people would likely know. and its not really never bother, its also just that it never bothered to find me, we just don't click. no doubt, my way of thinking might change, as i am by no means a completely matured individual yet. i guess that it suddenly occured to me that i should just wake up and realise that not everything people say are the truth and only the truth. should have realised it so long ago when people told me different versions of the same story. so who's lying? or is the telling simply changed by perspective? i guess its true that we should just take everything with a pinch of salt. and i think its time i stopped being so stupidly gullible and just wake up. i may not want to, but it seems that i might have to. simplicity is a luxury.

the world isn't always such a nice place. such a terrible disaster can simply happen for no other reason other than it being the way of nature. and so many people die because of it. and there's nothing we can do but sit around and watch? we are bloody damned lucky and we'd better be thankful for it. well but who am i to preach about what we are and aren't and what's tragic or isn't... everything happens for a reason doesn't it? just that sometimes we can't understand it. i guess the least we can do is to show some respect and sympathy. its bleak yes, but there's still hope. or is there?

maybe i can still be simple in a complicated world.

:9:17 PM: :sugah~plum

Sunday, December 26, 2004

i think i'm resisting change. and i don't know what i'm feeling now. maybe i resist people too without knowing it. hmmm. still have those blasted applications which i don't really feel like filling out. how to when i'm not even sure what i want? why is everything so complicated. think i'm going to go curl up somewhere and hide from the world.

:4:03 PM: :sugah~plum

Saturday, December 25, 2004

wow. i am stunned. national treasure is indeed a brillant, riveting, fascinating, awesome and funny show. this is one show i wouldn't mind watching again. compared to like, gen-y cops or something which i fell asleep halfway, partly because i was sleepy and seem to have watched before, oh it can't even compare. we were only watching it to ogle edison chen anyway haha. but national treasure is just downright cool. the clues and puzzle... whoa. amazing. anyway everyone, MERRY CHRISTMAS. hope it was a great one this year...

:11:46 PM: :sugah~plum

Thursday, December 23, 2004

maybe i am some sort of idealist after all. i still believe in virtue, hope, nobility, and such ideals. but i kind of lost the inspiration and hope and the warm glow of seeing happy people holding on so steadfastly to what they believe in which i had just now, to post much about it already. hmm but anyway its really nice la, to have so much staunch faith and hope and happiness. nice to watch too. but i'm very tired now coz i'm tired and some things just won't go away or improve, and don't think i have the energy to go on about it. so that's it, goodnight.

:1:28 AM: :sugah~plum

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

good mood from a nice holiday still prevailing. haven't particularly felt like doing anything at all these two days except hole up at home and read though... feeling sluggish and faintly anti-social for some reason heh. haha also fairly convinced that orchard will be utterly and completely swarmed with people doing last minute christmas shopping and will be seriously crowded and all. trying to avoid it as much as i can... but don't think its all that possible. haha well it is town after all. but anyway i never really had that problem, didn't start exchanging presents with people til hmm... like 2 years ago? and never really celebrated christmas with friends before too... so not a big issue for me. and i did my shopping in japan this year anyway. haha. not a christian either. but i do think christmas is great though. its one of the more meaningful and enjoyable holidays i think. people are generally happier and peaceful and nice, and holidays are always a good excuse to meet up and catch up and just banish loneliness and be festive. hmm well depends on how one looks at it i guess?

was reading a pretty interesting and rather disturbing psychological thriller these two days in seclusion... and well it did bring up an issue like that. it depends on how people look at it right? a girl who is supposedly insane has the view that crazy people aren't really all that crazy in perspective, just that they have different rationale and motivation for doing things... and that normal people are just too uptight and can't relax. hm. was an interesting book. i think i actually kinda like portrayals of psychos. books like primal fear and later the movie and the one i read today... well they just kinda make insanity look like a complex art. just because someone's crazy doesn't mean he's incoherent or stupid... not always perhaps. at least in those two books. just an idea that they're actually bloody brillant. maybe genius and eccentricity or insanity is not really mutually exclusive after all?

okay i can't continue... pretty hard to keep typing when i keep bouncing up to dance every minute or so. been getting an irrepressible urge to dance recently... i think i have to go buy proper shoes and wear them clubbing one day and dance properly and ditch my heels. but then again a club is not the best place to dance properly... no space. think i should go take lessons... not like i can dance properly in the first place too. but it does feel good to just move to the beat sometimes. ohwell. i think i do a lot of things based on 'feel'. like emotions and mood. i don't think that's entirely wise, but that is kind of how i am. maybe that's why i like dancing, singing and acting so much. there's some inexplicable joy in feeling the music and expressing emotions i guess? i think music is very linked to emotions. literature too... i guess that's why i've always liked music and literature which appeal to the senses and emotions. evocative is usually a criteria i go by. i think that's why i like acting too... to be able to submerge into the life and emotions of a persona makes the feelings more acute and well. allows more intense and a wider of variety of feelings than those experienced in everyday life i guess. i suppose i like to feel. want to feel? yeap.

but i'm only human... don't think i would be if i didn't want to feel, and didn't have emotions, right? and no human being is perfect(damn that's like the metaphysicals ain't it). i also think that not everyone can be entirely secure or happy with themselves. another thing i read in a another book today(i seem to be reading a lot hmm)... that no matter how perfect and happy one's world seems... well you never know. insecurity seems to be an everpresent aspect of everyone's lives. but then again, i can't seem to sense any unhappiness or insecurity in some people. i mean i suppose its there somewhere, but it just never surfaces from the seemingly flawless veneer. rather disturbing. or perhaps such people only show vulnerabilities to a select few and remain perfect to the rest of the world. i think that seems common enough. hmm... wish i could be one of these select few for some people though.

anyway... can someone musically inclined please explain these musical terms to me because my knowledge of technical musical terms is severely limited. Andante, Adagio, Dies Irae, Appassionata, Agnus Dei, and Pavane? i tried searching on google but i mostly got names of art galleries and other weird stuff. thanks and goodbye folks.

:10:39 PM: :sugah~plum

Monday, December 20, 2004

hmm... just got back from japan last night. wanted to blog about it yesterday but was simply too zonked. stayed up til 3 plus after reaching home at 12 plus, to catch up with friends, unpack, and just sort out stuff. today has mostly been quite a relaxing and slack day. until just a while ago i suddenly remembered that my applications were due and that i completely forgotten about them during my holiday. talk about total relaxation. well so just finished a bout of panic about it and started on my essay, which is proving to be a rather difficult topic to write about. but ohwell. i still have a couple of days i think. thank goodness i remembered. also not so sure i really want to go overseas actually, perhaps i'm too mired in my comfort zone. i mean i don't even really know what i want to do even, so that doesn't help. and in any case the place i want to go to i can't afford and doubt i can get a scholarship to go there. so might not apply. but this i will decide after, or if i manage to send off the first application first.

anyway... japan was great! well at least the parts i went to anyway. spent most of the time there in hokkaido, and when i said i was going there to eat and freeze and look at scenery, i was right. that's pretty much what i did haha, though i missed out the hot springs. well the food was fantastic though, most of the meals were so... elaborate. a giant trayful of little dishes, all sorts of different things, and usually one small little claypot of steaming soup and other stuff and a fire below it. great in such cold weather. and also good variety! can try lots of stuff at one go (: definitely yummy. and for someone who likes sashimi a lot, its a good thing also that there was a little dish of raw stuff too at times. oh and i got to try crab sashimi... which was absolutely fantastic... though very expensive. speaking of which, everything in japan is so expensive! everything costs so much more... bought lots of food back though, even though expensive, at least its reasonably so and not scarily extorbitant (like the crab in hokkaido and some stuff in tokyo). can you believe that a 30-50 minute taxi ride in tokyo costs like SGD$64 over dollars? goodness.

the scenery was rather pretty too! finally grasped the true meaning of a winter wonderland, for a few days there everything was white, and it was snowing fresh snow for like 2 or 3 hours straight. they even had to close a highway! but its great standing in the snow while those beautiful white crystals waft down around you. and how soft the thick layer of fresh snow on the ground is! it was very very very cold there though. i think i almost froze to death haha. was like... minus 12 i think? it was the wind that was bad tho heh. and so dry! eating ice cream in winter is also pretty cool, the ice cream doesn't melt! stays in its original shape for a long long time. tried lavender ice cream in hokkaido, quite an interesting experience. the guide said it was kinda bland, but i quite liked it, would say it had kind of a mild flowery taste that was pretty pleasant. haha. and everything in japan is just so cute.

oh yes the hot springs. went to 3 of them on 3 nights. quite an interesting experience too, quite nice to soak in an extremely hot pool of water after freezing the whole day, its very umm. warm. and comforting and enjoyable. the thing is, its like a public bath, so everyone goes around naked. that took a while to get used to -_- the yukatas were very nice and comfy tho, which are those thin and soft informal versions of kimonos which we wore to and fro from the springs and went to sleep in. spent most of the time in the hotels in slippers or socks too haha. soooo comfy. hmm. anyway i should stop rambling... just wanted to say abit about it coz it was a fairly good trip, all things considering. some minor unpleasantries can be overlooked in lieu of the rest of the positive points. and all that pocky. haha. okay back to panicking about applications. or perhaps to that interesting psychological thriller i'm halfway through reading... (argh i want to watch saw and read da vinci code too!) finished a great fantasy novel in japan while in the bus and at nights which made me cry because of the intensity of the bonds of the country and the wonderful speeches by the king and later his daughter when she became queen. sigh cried buckets on the plane too throughout the entire duration of The Notebook, it was so touching! the strength and devotion of the love is so... overpowering. and the fact that it wasn't some wishy-washy silly love story(okay just a little bit), but that it was a love which prevailed all their lives into their old age and still as strong even then. that's why it was so touching. helped alot that ryan gosling is a damn good actor(and also very cute and very hot) but well that's mostly another thing anyway. but a simple, 'because i promised you'... and the perseverance... amazing. nice ending too. okay i'm getting carried away again... shall stop now. mmmpf.

:10:52 PM: :sugah~plum

Monday, December 13, 2004

i'm getting slightly confused. and not gonna be blogging til after the 19th. addios... off to hokkaido to eat and look at scenery and umm eat... and freeze. *waves goodbye*

:1:51 AM: :sugah~plum

Thursday, December 09, 2004

each moment is special. once gone by, it can never be grasped again. every minute is different. re-creation only results in something similiar but not the same. like the many different moments in a life, mistakes cannot be rectified. mitigated perhaps, but it would still hang ominously in the recesses of one's mind and past. because what's done cannot be undone. like Tim O'Brien once wrote, You can't fix your mistakes. Once people are dead, you can't make them undead. likewise, other mistakes made can't truly ever be fixed. no matter what is done to repent, it simply remains a fact. as someone once said to me, mistakes can be forgiven, but not forgotten. mmm. just an interesting point to ponder. just remember every moment is different. which makes it special and unique. once gone, is gone, and what's done, is done.

i guess everyone carries some amount of guilt with them too.

okay introspective mood over. just took a look at uberture for ac prom photos. quite interesting actually, saw quite a few people i've never seen before, and some people whom i didn't manage to see at prom. and a rather not particularly flattering photo of myself. a bit disturbing how translucent my dress looks in photos actually. hm. oh! have to go watch the oblongs. its a disturbingly dysfunctional cartoon which is extremely funny in a bizarre sort of way. tata.

:9:31 PM: :sugah~plum

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

glitz at the ritz

well... not really glitz, but it was good. these two days have been pretty eventful for me i think. so much seems to have happened. the most important event being prom of course. which marks the end of our two years in ACJC. which, in my opinion, seems to have gone by in a flash. so yesterday was really kind of a bittersweet last gathering kind of thing. well it was fun to see everyone and everything, and the bhangra and wayne ong project was just spectacular and simply amazing. but it kinda was supposed to be the last time we all congregate together as a school. frankly i saw people there whom i've never actually seen before... so maybe we're not all that close knit after all. but hell, school spirit reigns. its been a great experience.

in addition to prom... there were the post prom festivities, which was well... not really festive for some parts considering most of the people in my room were actually asleep. personally i believe we should actually treasure the time we had left together and stayed up to do stuff, anything, even sit and talk. after all, when will we ever get the chance to do this again? so ended up traipsing with dawn and eugene around the ritz and the esplanade bay after zouk and later just walking around with john. lots of walking there. hmm was pretty wacky actually think the 3 of us were semi-high also(btw josh if you're reading this, I WAS SOBER.) speaking of zouk, think that was pretty great. though we were only there for a short while. wasn't too crowded and the music was good. was josh's and eugene's virgin clubbing event too haha. that was quite cute. and howard and xiangwei were absoutely hilarious too. was a pretty good party... just a pity i didn't catch the end of it.

well but think the equivalent was pretty good as well. so in addition to dawning realisation and comprehension and disappointment in the afternoon, other personal emotions seem to have then come into play later at night too. twas an interesting encounter indeed. i don't know if it was anything, but it was kinda nice, whatever it was. i suppose there was just a small amount of frustration involved too though or maybe just disappointment but knowing it should not be anyway. i don't think i'm making much sense actually. slept a bit in the morning from eight plus to around 11, not too bad, actually quite a bit of sleep. sustained me long enough to go watch alexander with leb howard liz and her friend in the afternoon. i thought it was a pretty okay movie, but the rest of them hated it. haha. i guess it really is more like a biography/history lesson rather than a movie and kinda confusing as they say, but what the heck i think its interesting enough. mmm. well guess i better sleep early then. catch up on lost sleep. still sick.

its over... i guess i was kinda happy at A levels being over and relieved at being free, but also now that prom is over, it really does seem to be over. ring of finality. guess there's just a slight sense of aimlessness... let life take us where it leads, but we will still be acsians in our hearts.

:10:33 PM: :sugah~plum

:: morning found the breeze, a hundred miles away. ::