thank you for always being there to dry my tears. i know i cry way too much, but you still come to comfort me despite it. thank you.
:1:39 PM: :sugah~plum
i haven't cried like this in the longest time either. and i don't know whether to be angry or sad. or both. the situation is beyond repair, but i seem to be making things worse now. but i'm also damn stubborn sometimes. but i don't want to argue. and even less do i want to make him unhappy. but i think i am. and that's the worse part of it all. besides having to watch it all crumble and fall apart before my very eyes. maybe i've got a knack for aggravating already bad situations. i hate this. but i know there's nothing much i can do without making things worse again. and i've gone and made his life even more miserable than it was already without me interfering. i'm so frustrated. and it isn't even any of my business, much. i hope i haven't gone and ruined our own situation too. because i can't lose the best thing in my life. damnit damnit damnit. and i hate seeing him so stressed and upset. i hate it. and i don't know what to do about it. except, it seems, make it worse. argh forget it. i'm not making sense. i'm going to hide in one corner and stop thinking. at least i've stopped crying.
:3:22 AM: :sugah~plum
what have i gone and done.
:2:37 AM: :sugah~plum
grrr. just grrr. i have nothing else to say. actually i have a lot to say. but i can't. so there.
:2:22 AM: :sugah~plum
its astounding, the number of people, or lack thereof who believe that the mosquito bite on my lip is real. i think the total count so far is 2 or 3, as opposed to like, 3435489234 other people who give me strange, sly and disbelieving looks. ohwell. quite funny actually... whoever heard of mosquitoes biting lips. but then again i've been bitten in the strangest places. hmm actually wanted to blog something the other day, but it seems rather out of point when placed next to the mosquito rant. haha. oh and i do believe i've had a rather... memorable and significant easter. like i said, its not enough to get me to embrace a belief that is still rather foreign to me, or to just suddenly decide that i've got faith, but i guess its a step in the right direction. and i agree with the spirit of it, its just that i'm not so sure about the reality of the existence of these people. i guess i'm still waiting for some sort of manifestation in my heart. or something like that. because its true, there's no point in beliving by fact and not with heart.
hmm but what i actually wanted to say was that i was a bit scared. i was actually a bit scared the other day. i just realised how far i've committed myself and how much he means to me. and i don't think i can lose him. i never actually thought i could find anyone who can accept me fully as i am and love me as i am, and i'm still wondering if this is real. its just so wonderful it can't possibly be true. its like an impossible reality has become reality. i hope i'm not becoming too possessive or clingy though, because i seem to be a bit of both. well i guess there's a fine line between love and obsession isn't there. but umm i do believe that i haven't crossed that line yet. hmmm. anyways, went to derrick's birthday party yesterday. was quite nice to catch up with him, and da sam and yun as well, after so long. haha and spent about 3 plus hours in town by myself, have no idea how i managed it. i guess i was occupied in a certain shop... i swear i was there for at least half an hour or dunno how long la. hmm oh and dropped by indochine for a while to collect my very last paycheck and talk to people. ended up sitting down for a while haha and getting served. quite funny.
meow. oh quite strange ran into quite a few people today, and all at the same place too. i don't usually run into people much, but for some reason lots of people were at PS today. oh got some rock climbing competition also haha. ran into andrew and his girlfriend too haha... he's looking good. they're looking good. grin happy for them hahaha. seems like there's quite a lot of people whom i need to catch up with haha. all this separate busy lives thing has caused a lot of drifing i guess. haha i guess we just have to make a bigger effort. hops. oh oh i wanna drive i wanna driiiive! mutter i need the april schedule so i can book book book. hmm oh and i did a 4 day admin job this past week... pretty good haha just typing stuff into the comp, the time passed super quickly sometimes. then i just sit there and eat biscuits and type. haha. quite slack. but i'm how lazy haha have to keep rushing to school from there... if not i would have worked another week hmm. and umm. i haven't done my applications SO i should. concentrate on them. but then i haven't even decided which fac to apply to in nus! agh. i think its fairly annoying that i have no idea what i want to do with my life other than scoop nice round scoops of ice cream, ben & jerry's preferably, be an air stewardess, act or sing or dance and random stuff like that. goodness. i'm such a bum :D
:9:06 PM: :sugah~plum
i made the right choice. and i've never met anyone more understanding or caring or devoted. he forgives me. and i don't care how corny it sounds. he's my knight in shining armour. and i don't care what you people think. or say about me. it hurts. but he's here to soothe the hurt. and protect me and defend me. that's all i need. so there.
:2:23 AM: :sugah~plum
i'm actually a little bit angry. not at him, but at the situation they're in. its really an impasse. and its so frustrating because there's absolutely nothing we can do. also reminded me of some other situations... i hate it when some guys do things without thinking. well i know its not like girls don't, but some things really deserve consideration first. i'm sure there are some girls who agree with me, and i know for sure some who would. the chambered muscular organ in vertebrates that pumps blood received from the veins into the arteries is not something which should be toyed with. or treated with light regard. but when its too late... there isn't much point trying to shelter it when its already hurt also right? but then again, i wouldn't know. everyone has different preferences. some people don't want to feel. at all. well i have no idea how that could be possible... or maybe i just feel too much. yeah i think i do... but well i can't help it. too darn ridiculous to be crying when i have no right to though. i shouldn't have. i'm a very lucky girl. and very happy too. but as my dad never fails to tell me, no man is an island. so... yeah. how can anyone just stay in their own sphere untouched and unaffected by the outside world. though i never agree with him when he says it, well because his take on the phrase is different from mine and too extremist for my taste, this time i think its true. but though it affects others... it's personal and doesn't really concern us. not really. umm. i'm starting to not make sense. and my eyes are tired. that's probably not good... oh gosh my blog posts are so boring. haha the content is almost always the same. or something like that o_o anyway quite exasperated also. but at what or who i shall not say. because i exasperated, angry or upset at anything also no use. won't help anything. so i shall not be. ta-da.
and mosquitoes these days are getting more and more perverted... one just kissed me on the lips when i was sleeping or something. now my lip looks strange. and its itchy. boggle. i'm a mosquito magnet i swear. yah. why am i so troublesome? a short term fever, lip get bitten by mosquito, ulcer appear from nowhere, ear pain, earlobe infected and peeling, legs and arm ache, and legs are so terribly terribly ugly from all the mosquito bite scars and scratching rashes and bruises, and now my eyes hurt too? urrrrgh. mutter. yah. my legs are ugly sigh. why do i still persist in wearing those nice short flouncy skirts... blah. well at least he's not scared off by all these yet and still wants to take care of me... i think. in any case, i do treasure him. and happy that he's still sticking around. and like i said to him today, i think he's the first person who has so much faith in me and who wants me to be a better person for myself. and for him too i guess. well except my parents i suppose, but then they never show it and never tell me, so i don't know. but i know he does. so i'm happy. i just wish i wouldn't get a headache every time i stand up though. but well you can't have everything... and i certainly have everything, or in this case someone, i need.
:11:08 PM: :sugah~plum
funny as it seems, i am somewhat worked up as well. i've always been rather emotional. and if i can cry at movies, at some people's plights, i can cry at this if i want to. i'm worried. very worried. it's really not my business to interfere, but i guess i could just hope that things will go well for them. please work out. i want you both to be happy. and well, hope things will go well for the other two confused souls as well. oh dear i think i've said well one too many times. and leg still hurts too... well at least i have an important iou for it. so i'll live i guess. hope it gets better by weds though so i can actually dance properly then. not that i was terribly good in the first place, but better than now at least. and yes, i do treasure what i have. i know everyone isn't that lucky, and i'm thankful that i am. thank you. for everything. i've never been more happy... but i guess you already knew that.
:3:15 AM: :sugah~plum
haha still aching boggle. i'm so unfit O_O just hope it goes away by sunday night/monday... i hate working while in this state had to limp everywhere today and grimace up and down the stairs. but today was a rather good day despite the pain, had nice supervisors and nice people to work with etc. its these good days which would make me stay, except that the reasons for going are much stronger. 2 majorly annoying people, 1 more than the other, lots of the nice people are leaving anyway, lazy(sigh.), and going to have camelot dance pracs and driving lessons(hopefully). and sick of the place. so i shall start looking for another job soon... after applying for everything which i umm haven't started -_- i would actually like to work at haagen daaz for a while, scoop ice cream (yay i love that. and love to eat it even more though haha.), but the pay is absolute pittance. but it might be worth it to be in such close proximity to so much ice cream. ben and jerry's is still the best though, yummy. just had a bit of cherry garcia... its so nice! yay. ohwell see how anyway. haha anyone know of any good job do recommend yeah ;p haha. hmm getting sleepy and late... uhm. goodnight starting to fall asleep in front of the comp! haha. once again. byeeee
:4:13 AM: :sugah~plum
hmm... i made a post last night apparently but i seemed to have fallen asleep and neglected to actually type publish. anyway i was going to change topic for a bit and talk about dance. oh my goodness i'm aching so badly today i can barely walk... have trouble going up and down the stairs (i feel like an old woman). didn't dance for like 8 months and now i'm soo unfit and unflexible. tsk. but anyway the camelot dances were pretty fun so far, i quite like it. though i think i ache so badly coz i was trying so hard too... one of the few times i got (temporarily) placed dead front and centre, so.. can't make many mistakes, which i was already doing yesterday anyway. thank goodness for a strong partner. but then again i need a strong partner coz i'm rather hard to lift. haha. my sides ache tho from being gripped too tightly agh. actually that's not the point, i ache everywhere. and darn it i have to work tomorrow. haha ohwell mon petit ami made up for all the pain though (: but he's going away aaah mutter. hophophop i should be sleeping now have to work tmr hope i ache less haha if not i'm gonna have to limp around the place, too bad. yay dance is fun! big ugly bruises and aches notwithstanding. haha. oh tagboard is so unstable! hrmpf. use the comment function! and very happy about today too. t'was really... sweet and wonderful. :)
:1:09 AM: :sugah~plum
swans eat grass. and i have a singularly most wonderful boyfriend. and did you know that swans curl up to sleep at night and look like rocks? so cute. had a most wonderful time with him tonight, with him trying to make me dinner and not let me lift a finger, not even to pour a drink. had very scary persistent swans coming up to us to vehemently take stabs at the grass very near us though, after i fed them some bread. big mistake. and he surprised me greatly with something terribly sweet. yes i'm still starry-eyed and happy. but i'm sure the few readers of my blog wouldn't mind would they? haha. and if only work isn't becoming more and more annoying life haha, but heck my life is still fantastically good. gonna quit and then back to lazing around. oh dear. i'm sleepy again... mmmmpff.goodnight.
:1:56 AM: :sugah~plum
iiiii am a happy girl. he's proud of me. and mr ngoei is proud of me. and he said something which i'm quite happy to hear too, that he thinks that inherently i'm a good girl. i'm glad he believes that. and i know that mon petit ami believes that too, and that's what matters. yes. to all whom are concerned, i did pretty well for my 'A's. i should be jumping up and down with joy now, but the ungraded just kinda spoils it a little though. but i'm not unhappy, no no. i'm satisfied coz its good enough already. and i really appreciate what i've been given to be able to achieve this. i know there are people out there who probably didn't do as well, and sometimes i feel bad that i do well, because i'm not sure i really deserve it. and like i told sze just now, geps. hurh. egoistical take-exams-for-granted peoples. we're quite bad. i just hope everyone is somewhat happy. i hope he's happy. and no matter what anyone says, i believe in him and i believe that he'll make me happy. really, he's too good for me. but i'm not complaining... i probably don't deserve it, but i'm just really lucky, in so many ways, and i just have to be thankful for it. i'm terribly happy for sze too. i guess i've somewhat matured now too haha, considering i'm not whining about what a horrible life i have. i think i've learnt how to appreciate the things i have. ac taught me that, and he taught me that. i think life and His presence did that as well.
i guess the interview went well as well, though not particularly fantastic. for some reason i wasn't all that enthusiastic. and i don't know if i really want to get it, or if i should. i'll leave it all to fate, or to His hands. something that really means a lot to me though, is that my form teacher and according to him, some of the other teachers too, like me because i'm full of life. and i hope i continue to be. i'm glad not only because of my results, but because there are people who believe in me and are proud of me.
anyways, conclusion to this day, i am a happy girl.
:2:21 AM: :sugah~plum
haha. i see i didn't click publish post for the one i wrote last night while drifing off to sleep and ended up crawling to bed subconsciously from the computer. come i shall restore this post roughly to its orginal position. i don't even recall falling asleep or getting to bed at all. i do remember though, that i blogged about my wonderful 13 hours of bliss yesterday. although i can't really remember what exactly i waxed lyrical about except about how wonderful and understanding he really is and how thankful i am to have him. i think i tend to repeat myself. i have no idea how many times i've said that. but its true. in my most humble opinion. and i have never been more happy or serious with/about anyone before. everything feels right. and special. and i think i'm truly in love this time, for the first time.
:1:32 AM: :sugah~plum
hmm. its official, the A level results will be out this friday, at 230pm. and guess what. i can't go. i can't go and collect my own results and see my classmates and witness the general results of my batch. because i have a scholarship interview. at 330. and even if i do go i can only stay for like 30mins before i have to run off. and at that time i think i'd only manage to listen to half of the talks. so i figure i shall show up at 430 and see if anyone else is left there. and, i shall turn off my phone until the interview is over because no way do i want to know how horribly i did before it because i might just go in and cry at them. and that wouldn't be good. and oh dear, i have basic theory tomorrow morning and i've barely started studying -_- the good part is that we both end tmr around the same time, what a happy coincidence (: hope i pass though hmm. it would be dreadfully silly if i didn't. hmm alright then off to school to look for madam. hope friday will be alright for everyone... too late to regret now anyways. on the bright side, i will most likely be getting my lip gloss on friday. yay! haha. what a silly perk. seeing him tmr is the best perk though :)
:4:37 PM: :sugah~plum