goodbye.
one and a half years of liking you. nearly 7 months with you. 6 months loving you, still loving you. 9 months of absolute bliss. crying on the bus right now. don't know what to say. its just too painful. i hope it was the right thing to do. i'm going to miss you... already am. but i don't have the strength to message you, to call you, to tell you i still love you and miss you and still want to be with you. because that probably wouldn't be the best thing to do either. we'll just be back where we were. hanging on to something which was stuck in a rut. a vicious cycle. but... the 82 messages from you in my phone. all the movies we watched together and were planning to watch. all the wonderful, beautiful times we spent together. all the times, the many many many times you did something nice for me, to me, to make me happy. it's not fair that we're incompatible. damnit its not. i thought i had changed, become more of a good, decent girl. but maybe i was wrong... because the fun-loving carefree nature seemed to long to spring out and go wild. but i don't know how i will be without you. lonely, i think. empty, maybe. sad, yes. but perhaps its time for me to be brave and accept that some things can't change, and that this is probably the best way to save ourselves from more pain.
in some ways i think you're like my black slippers. you know what i mean. its been with me for so long and i love it so very much. its the most comfortable and one of the nicest pair of slippers i've ever owned, and i wear it nearly everywhere i go and almost everytime i go out. its old now though, the sole is worn, and the colour is rubbing off on my foot. the only difference is, you're not old or worn, and you're not one of the nicest guys i know... you are the nicest. but some things you do cause me pain. and vice versa. i refused to stop using the slippers no matter what. but i guess i shouldn't keep clinging on to something which is not meant to be. or which makes me cry so much. but i'm not going to throw it away. i can't bear to.
i was so tempted just now. when i got on the bus. to drop at the next bus stop and walk back, and throw myself back into your arms and say let's forget it. let's not do this. but i didn't. and then later on i thought perhaps i should stop at the mrt and take a bus back and ring your doorbell. but i didn't. is this for the best? you said you want me to be happy... now i'm wondering how i could ever be truly happy again. but i hate it when i shout at you and i hate it when we argue and both of us are unhappy. and we said we'd keep trying... and we did. but i guess perhaps we've argued enough, and tried enough. and it seems like neither of us can change. we both did try. i guess that stopped me. will it hurt more if we broke up later? because now it hurts so damn bad that i think stabbing myself with a knife will be less painful.
maybe someday... when we are different, more mature, more compatible, more able to handle it. maybe we can be together again. i hope. its not a huge or greatly believed in hope, but its a spark that makes it all a little bit less painful. i hope you'll be happy. i don't want to leave you hanging, not knowing what i want and being unable to give you what you want either. i don't know if i can resist running back to your arms... and i don't know if they will be open for me... but i know... that we at least need some time and space to ourselves for a while. damnit. i want so very much to message you now. i miss you so badly already...... and i still can't believe this happened..... i still half-expect you to message or call and tell me about your queen or something.
i'm sorry. thank you for being there for me, loving me, making me happy.
you are the first and only guy i've ever really loved. i'll never regret all the times we spent together. and i'll never forget you.
i love you.
:8:06 PM: :sugah~plum
Comments:
Post a Comment