What does it take to be happy? Too much, sometimes.
Really regret exploding the other night; I think it just made everything worse. Or perhaps not; it just guaranteed a full complete end to everything. It's been so long, since I totally lost control like that.... about a year and a bit ago I think, in fact. I think I could have handled things better, but sometimes emotions have a sneaky way of taking over all logical and rational facilities.
But anyway. One last post on this subject, that I actually posted somewhere a month ago, which I think more or less encapsulates what I really felt about this whole situation. Well, at least the things that can be said.
Thursday, October 12th, 2006
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3:32 pm - Whisperings in the wind
Oh no, it's not love. It's not like either. If you loved, or liked someone, you'd want them to be happy, even if they're happy with another girl. Perhaps it's spite, or perhaps it's simply a part of human nature which makes you want to get even with someone for hurting you, making you hate vehemently, repeating a i-hate-you mantra over and over again to yourself. You want to HURT them back. I never thought it'd happen to me. I've always been nice. But I think, being nice is tiring. And totally overrated. Seriously what's the point of thinking of other people's feelings (when I'm not being blur and oblivious of course), trying to help and make things better, or whatever, when people don't do the same for you. But I guess people do.... it's just the people who really matter, who don't. And even though I keep saying I hate you... the thing is, I don't. Not at all.
No, it's not love, or like. It's... missing the happy, close, sweet times we once had together. And it's... losing the hope that perhaps, just perhaps, it could have been something.
I'm a very simple person. I give a little first, and if it's appreciated, reciprocated, I'll give my all.
Guess I'm just feeling awfully unloved and neglected now. Hah but since when am I not whining about this very subject... Perhaps it's a choice. I can choose to be happy, or I can choose to hang on to this and be unhappy. But it's so hard to let go. Though I guess even if I don't want to, it's going to end soon anyway. There's not much left anymore, anyway. It's just a matter of whether I want to end the pain now, or later. I've always said, that the good parts outweigh the bad, but I'm not so sure anymore. It used to be all good... but I guess nothing ever stays that way. I warned you.
That I'm emotional, sentimental. And even though I was never meant to get emotionally attached, I did. I hate that I'm a slobbering, crying mess very often this past one and a half months. I hate myself, and you, for making me this way.
But well, I guess, you're not the same person who I loved spending time with, laughed with, shared secrets with, and was so close to. You're different now. You don't care now; but I think you did, just a little. Then. And even though it hurts now, I can't, and won't force you to care. And I know you won't anyway.
This is the second time ever I'm typing something like this, on a bus, with tears running down my face.
It doesn't even make sense to me though, because you're not... someone I would usually like, in this way. We're not compatible... I guess. And well, you're happy as you are. I'm not going to interfere with that. I'm never going to let you read this anyway.
Time for project meeting... and for real life to kick in.
No time to hold on to sentiments and sadness.
Now I just wish I wasn't so damn pathetic sometimes.
Well, that's that. Putting it behind me now. Ahh, I'll be fine. It might get to me now and then, but it's just not worth it to be upset about this anymore. Not worth losing a friend over, either.
:1:35 PM: :sugah~plum
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