When someone does something really crazy for love...
Some people say it's foolishness, some say it's devotion. I say it's both; foolishness because of devotion, and devotion because of foolishness. But most people will never know either, because they're too scared to take the risk to love.
.....
This is bad. I lost control today and broke down, in front of my professor, and another student in the exam room. I'm not sure I've ever felt so absolutely stupid, mindless and lost in that instance there. The tears, wet, and my face, flushed red and hot from all the blood rushing to it, and the room spun gleefully as my head sunk lower into the table. I'm not going to get into details, but something bad happened with the glob paper, and I really don't know what got into me. Extreme stress, most probably, and lack of sleep, possibly, and the prospect of doing really badly and then losing my scholarship, possibly, that my little dream of something will never become reality, likely, and perhaps, just a build up of general uselessness, lack of self-worth and a combination of all of the above across time. Whatever it is, it felt awful, and bad, and I shouldn't have allowed it to happen.
My eyes hurt now. And I really don't feel like studying anymore. Nothing's going in; I see the words, I say them, but they don't mean anything. Brain has hit saturation level? It's only been three papers. It shouldn't be this bad. But perhaps the feeling of failure is just too much to handle, and the interaction with certain people hardly helps - when they're so flippant over these exams, which they don't think is important, and which they're not taking. Make or break. And I haven't really broken, yet. This will be the first, and I'm really not sure how I'll take it. Oh I won't go into severe depression or anything silly; life's too short for that. But I think, I might be very lost. And I hate being lost. But, it's not all about me, is it? And I've got to remember that.
In many ways, I think the fault lies entirely with me; for not being responsible and committed enough to study harder, to start earlier. But that's just not me, and studying for subjects not of your choice and sometimes, rather stupid, is hardly an incentive as well. And I suppose I shouldn't want something I don't take steps to work towards either, huh. Grades haven't mattered much to me for many years... and it seems no reason for it to matter now. But well, I've never had a grade requirement to meet before either I guess, except cut off points for jc or something.
I guess if everything doesn't go the way I hope it will, then perhaps it will be for the best too; although I believe that 'there is no such thing as destiny, only different choices' (when Jim Carrey said it in that voice; I had goosebumps), in some ways, I believe in fate, or whatever higher power exerting its influence on the world, because at some point, no matter how hard you try, human actions will prove futile.
Just like me to not be succinct and to the point, choosing instead to write such a verbose rant. Yet another sign of I feel, of my increasingly evident stupidity. Perhaps I don't belong in a scholar's program, after all, academia isn't really quite the thing for me. And it's alright, I'll get over it, after all, being a successful high-flyer is not something I strive for in life anyway. I'm a silly idealist believing in hope, freedom, love, etc etc and will probably always be.
I just wish I didn't have to put myself through this ordeal. But ah well I only say that, because no matter how much we complain, it's the experience of getting through it, together with your friends and perhaps even strangers who become friends, which makes people who they are. And we never admit it, but sometimes, we love what we hate.
.....
But I'm not.
:4:49 PM: :sugah~plum
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